Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged marlene clay
Use Sandra Bullock as a Role Model for Your Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
We’ve all heard about what happened to completely turn Sandra Bullock’s life upside down, and now the news has emerged that she recently (a few months ago) adopted a baby boy named Louis. And in the midst of all this she won an Academy Award. As complicated and busy as our lives seem to be, it’s hard to imagine being in her shoes right now, with every yucky detail of her husband’s affairs made public.
And yet, she has remained incredibly grounded and focused on what matters the most going forward – the children. Of course she needs to grieve and deal with all of the emotions associated with this type of betrayal and having her life yanked out from beneath her. But at the same time, by holding on to what she cares about and trying to protect the children from becoming victims in this situation, she is laying the foundation for a more harmonious divorce experience for all parties involved.
I applaud her for being so honest and for showing the world that even in a very painful and devastating situation, you can still be there for your kids and provide them the healthiest environment possible. That’s where the focus needs to go, because your relationship with your children need not change when your relationship with each other does.
Even more impressive is that Sandra is the step-mother to these children. The fact is that she has been a parent to them for several years, and in my book, the more people our kids have in their lives who truly love them, the better. I sincerely hope that she will be able to continue her close relationship with these kids since she has no legal right to be in their lives.
Here’s an excerpt from People Magazine’s new interview with Sandra Bullock:
“I don’t want to know what life is like without those kids. Jesse and I both know these kids are all that matter. Whatever we need to do, in the healthiest way, we are going to be co-parenting. I know my role is not one that exists on paper, but Louis is their brother, and Jesse and I will do whatever it takes for them to know that their world will not change and still be protected and safe and full of love. It will just have a slightly different dynamic now…”
Way to go Sandra! Another “Family Redefiner” in the world! Thanks for giving us another beautiful model of how to move forward with divorce and co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
Handling Everything Yourself After Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
One of the many things I’ve been working on today is putting together the trampoline my daughter’s been dying for. She’s at her dad’s this weekend and she’ll be thrilled when she comes back and sees it, so I’m excited about it. But….
It’s days like this when I think how much easier it would be if there were TWO of us here, and one being of the male persuasion. I’m fairly strong and am actually pretty good at putting things together and doing basic home repairs, but I’m 5’2” so sometimes I could really use some assistance. I mean, I can’t even reach the top shelf at the grocery store…that’s embarrassing.
But it can be tough when you’re living by yourself, running a household, working, and being a parent. There are times you might feel overwhelmed. After divorce, moms often struggle with handling home repairs, yard work, car repairs and things you don’t think of like moving something large or heavy to or from the attic. Dads often struggle with staying on top of the laundry, the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the school activities & homework, and other household chores.
I know these are stereotypical, but they are common and can be a huge shock after years of marriage where all the responsibilities and tasks were divided between you. So look around you and see what friends or family you have that might be able to help you occasionally with the things you simply can’t do by yourself. And maybe you can do something for them in return. Or if you’re able to hire someone (say for yardwork or housework), then go for it.
Since I’ve done what I can on this trampoline by myself, I’m going to have a couple neighbors come over tomorrow to help finish it. And then it’s bouncy time!!
Right now, I’m going to get the lawnmower out and start mowing…yippee!!
It’s Spring – What Part of YOU Is Ready To Grow?
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
I don’t know about you, but I just love spring! I am fascinated by how quickly all the new leaves and buds appear on the trees and bushes. My daughter and I have been going around our yard every couple of days to investigate all the changes that have taken place and see what new things have bloomed.
I like the ones that from a distance still look bare, but upon closer inspection I find that there are small buds or teeny tiny leaves. I just feel so much excitement because I know I’m seeing the beginning of what’s going to be amazing growth and beauty, and I look forward to the end result.
Take a look at your life and find what little gems might only be seen upon closer inspection. Find the little buds that indicate the beginning of growth, the potential for something amazing. Out of winter, which often looks so barren and empty and drab, comes such lush, colorful beauty. And I think the same thing is true of any major challenge we face in life.
When things are most difficult and appear hopeless, are the times when the most growth is possible. These are our opportunities for showing our true colors, for transforming an ugly situation into a healthy, thriving one…for truly blossoming.
In the midst of a separation or divorce, of dealing with your ex, of learning how to co-parent, of losing friends, of grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you once had, stop for a few minutes and imagine what may come out of it in the end.
You can be the seemingly delicate flower that gradually pushes its way up through the hard ground, enduring pelting rains and strong winds, but rises taller and taller, and then slowly opens to reveal its brilliance. And when you do, those around you will stop and take notice…and be inspired to do a little growing of their own.
My request of you is to go out into nature this week and take a close look at all that is unfolding around you. Really drink it in and let it inspire you. And then reflect on what’s unfolding in your own life and what you want it to grow into.
Co-Parenting and the Gynecologist
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
So today I had my annual visit to the gynecologist. I’m sorry if that’s too much information for some people, but come on, we’re all adults here, right? And we all have these uncomfortable exams each year, right? Men, you have your own version and I’m sure it’s pretty awkward, to say the least.
Well, I was thinking about it because it’s not something we enjoy doing, and it’s not something we get excited about – in fact, some people absolutely loathe it. They dread it, and they can’t wait until it’s over…but…they still do it. Why? Because they know it’s in their best interest. They know it’s important for their health.
You may not be crazy about your ex, and it might be really awkward and uncomfortable being near one another. But think about an event that might be really important to your child, like their birthday party, or a ball game, or a dance performance. And plan to BOTH be there…together.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable and you may not have much to say. But do it anyway, just like the annual exam. It’s in the best interest of your child and it’s great for their health and well-being. And the nice thing is, you don’t have to be half naked 
How is Performing on Dancing With the Stars Like Going Through A Divorce?
115 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Okay, so I’ll admit it. I just finished watching the premier of this season’s Dancing with the Stars. It was entertaining as always and an interesting mix of people. One thing that stood out to me in the judge’s comments was how important it is to make the connection with your partner and with the audience – that even if your technical dance skills are fantastic, it doesn’t matter, because the audience notices the “feeling” of it.
And then there are some celebrities who maybe don’t have very good dance skills, but they sure do know how to connect and we can all tell how much fun they’re having when they’re out there. And we tend to like them just as much, if not more, than the ones who have better talent.
This reminded me of how important it is when you’re going through all of the emotional ups and downs of a divorce to remember that your audience is often your kids. Remember that they are watching what you’re doing and they’re listening to what you’re saying, and most importantly, they’re picking up on the vibes and all the unspoken messages that you’re sending.
If you’re telling them that everything is just fine, but you’re extremely stiff and tense, and your lips are pursed, they’re not going to believe you. And if you’re short and snippy with your ex when you talk to him/her, your kids are certainly going to notice (and not like it).
So make an effort to be aware of the feelings and messages you’re sending out, particularly when your kids are observing. If they’re the judges of how you’re dealing with divorce, what paddles would they hold up for you? 4? 7? 9?
Keep striving for that 10….it’s worth all the effort.
(and when you have a really bad day, worthy of a 4, just learn from it and keep working on your new behaviors until they’re more natural)
Save money on your kids’ clothes, toys, etc
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
I just volunteered for a few hours at a children’s consignment sale in my local area. They have it twice a year – once at the beginning of spring and once at the beginning of fall. You can find them in most towns and I think they’re great.
I went to my first one when my daughter was a baby and I wished I had known about them before she was born. There is so much great stuff available – pack-n-plays, strollers, boppies, books, toys, diaper genies, bedding sets, bikes, and clothes galore. The list goes on and on.
The beauty of these sales is that everyone wins. The items get re-used, which is great for the environment, the people selling their items make some money, the people shopping there get incredible bargains and save tons of money, the community comes together, you get all of your children’s old stuff out of your house, and much of what doesn’t get sold is donated to charities. How great is that?
If you’re going through a divorce and money is tighter than it used to be, this is a great way to cover most of your child’s wardrobe without spending much. Most clothing items cost less than $4 and don’t forget that you can re-sell your stuff after your kids outgrow it (if it’s still in good condition). It’s also a great way to get extra clothes and toys for two households. And if money isn’t tight for you, it’s still a wonderful way to re-use and help others make and save money.
Just google “kids consignment sale” followed by the name of your city and see what comes up. Most places have them in March and September. Happy consigning!
Divorce Without Some Preparation Can Be A Very Slippery Slope
015 years
by marlene
in Collaborative Divorce
Some friends invited my daughter and me to come skiing with them for the weekend and it’s been a lot of fun. Their daughter is the same age, so they’ve been in ski school and I was able to ski with the older kids (17 years old). I’m actually sitting in a ski lodge right now, with a great view of the slopes, and I’ve been watching the kids in ski school.
There are all ages and many different skill levels out there. Same story on the slopes. But everybody out there had to start with the basics. You’d think that would mean learning to stop (“snow plow”), then learning to turn, right? But actually, you have to learn some other things before you can even do that. You have to learn how to put your boots on and adjust them properly, then how to get your skis on without falling…and if you do fall, how to get yourself upright again with those things on. And you have to learn about safety. It’s a learning process, just like anything else we do for the first time.
Divorce is the same way. Like skiing, you want to get to the more comfortable, solid-on-your-feet-place right away so you can actually have some fun and not be so anxious all the time, right? But it just doesn’t work like that. You’re going to feel really awkward and unsure of yourself at first. And you’ve got to fall on your ass a few times to learn how to do it right. Even if other people are watching or telling you different ways to do it. It’s okay to be very picky about who you choose to learn from. You want someone you can trust, that feels right to you, that has proven they know how to do it in a way that keeps you safe and helps build your confidence.
You have to learn one skill at a time and keep building on them until you have a really good foundation to work with, where you know you can make it even if you’re a little shaky.
It’s important to do some initial preparation (learning about the equipment) before you start moving forward. I recommend giving some serious thought to a few key areas BEFORE you get divorced. In fact, the sooner the better. If you’re contemplating divorce or have made the decision, but haven’t actually begun the process yet, that’s a great time to do this. Start with these areas and certainly add others if they pertain to your situation and lifestyle: Finances (and property/assets), Legal, Communication, Child Custody and Care, Holidays and Special Events.
Think about how you want these things to be handled between the two of you and what you expect in these areas. Write it all down so you can keep adding to it (or revising it) as you go, and so you can refer back to it at any time. I know it’s often very difficult to talk comfortably, or even very effectively, with your partner at this time, but the more you can discuss, the better. You really want to minimize the surprises (like moguls or icy patches on the ski slope) as much as you can.
If you think the kids should be with you during the weekdays and major holidays, you don’t want to find out through a lawyer a few months later that your ex wants the kids during the weekdays and wants to take the kids out of town to visit relatives every Christmas. You may not be able to reach an agreement on these things up front, but at least you will know each other’s desires and intentions and maybe you can be thinking about ways to compromise and come up with an arrangement you can both live with. Maybe the kids are with one parent Mondays and Tuesdays and the other parent Wednesdays and Thursdays. Or with one parent one week, and the other parent the next week. And maybe you alternate who the kids are with each Christmas.
Most scenarios are not going to be all or nothing. It’s time to look at it from both sides and, very importantly, from the kids’ perspective. You may not want your kids gone on Christmas (understandably), but you may also know that your kids absolutely love visiting those relatives they’ve been seeing all these years during the holidays. So try to come up with ways to give each person at least a little of what they want most and try not to take away too many things that have become traditions or favorites in your family.
This preparation work will not only help you to know what to expect, but it will allow you to get much more clear on what really matters to you and on all the ways this is going to affect your life. Without any preparation, the divorce process can be a very slippery slope. You want to go down either on your feet, or on your butt, but not tumbling head over heels, totally out of control. And please remember, having some spills is part of the learning process. Just dust yourself off and try again, remembering what you just learned from that fall.
