Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged Divorce
It’s Spring – What Part of YOU Is Ready To Grow?
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
I don’t know about you, but I just love spring! I am fascinated by how quickly all the new leaves and buds appear on the trees and bushes. My daughter and I have been going around our yard every couple of days to investigate all the changes that have taken place and see what new things have bloomed.
I like the ones that from a distance still look bare, but upon closer inspection I find that there are small buds or teeny tiny leaves. I just feel so much excitement because I know I’m seeing the beginning of what’s going to be amazing growth and beauty, and I look forward to the end result.
Take a look at your life and find what little gems might only be seen upon closer inspection. Find the little buds that indicate the beginning of growth, the potential for something amazing. Out of winter, which often looks so barren and empty and drab, comes such lush, colorful beauty. And I think the same thing is true of any major challenge we face in life.
When things are most difficult and appear hopeless, are the times when the most growth is possible. These are our opportunities for showing our true colors, for transforming an ugly situation into a healthy, thriving one…for truly blossoming.
In the midst of a separation or divorce, of dealing with your ex, of learning how to co-parent, of losing friends, of grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you once had, stop for a few minutes and imagine what may come out of it in the end.
You can be the seemingly delicate flower that gradually pushes its way up through the hard ground, enduring pelting rains and strong winds, but rises taller and taller, and then slowly opens to reveal its brilliance. And when you do, those around you will stop and take notice…and be inspired to do a little growing of their own.
My request of you is to go out into nature this week and take a close look at all that is unfolding around you. Really drink it in and let it inspire you. And then reflect on what’s unfolding in your own life and what you want it to grow into.
Save money on your kids’ clothes, toys, etc
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
I just volunteered for a few hours at a children’s consignment sale in my local area. They have it twice a year – once at the beginning of spring and once at the beginning of fall. You can find them in most towns and I think they’re great.
I went to my first one when my daughter was a baby and I wished I had known about them before she was born. There is so much great stuff available – pack-n-plays, strollers, boppies, books, toys, diaper genies, bedding sets, bikes, and clothes galore. The list goes on and on.
The beauty of these sales is that everyone wins. The items get re-used, which is great for the environment, the people selling their items make some money, the people shopping there get incredible bargains and save tons of money, the community comes together, you get all of your children’s old stuff out of your house, and much of what doesn’t get sold is donated to charities. How great is that?
If you’re going through a divorce and money is tighter than it used to be, this is a great way to cover most of your child’s wardrobe without spending much. Most clothing items cost less than $4 and don’t forget that you can re-sell your stuff after your kids outgrow it (if it’s still in good condition). It’s also a great way to get extra clothes and toys for two households. And if money isn’t tight for you, it’s still a wonderful way to re-use and help others make and save money.
Just google “kids consignment sale” followed by the name of your city and see what comes up. Most places have them in March and September. Happy consigning!
Is Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Helpful or Harmful?
015 years
Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good when you’re pissed off or hurting. But be careful when and how you do it. You could be hurting yourself and those around you. It’s a big no-no in front of your kids. Don’t do it!! I don’t care what your ex has done, DO NOT talk badly about him/her in front of your children. This is very harmful to your kids and can undermine their trust in you.
Have some structures in place to help you when you are upset and need to get some things off your chest. For example, you may have a close friend or family member that you can vent to. But don’t let that be all you ever talk about with them. Eventually they will get tired of your “complaining” and may start avoiding you. Ask if it’s okay to vent a little bit. Then spend just a few minutes (don’t go on and on and on) to get out what you need to get out. And then….LET IT GO. That’s the point of venting – to get it out of you. You don’t want to keep revisiting it and reliving it.
Another option is to write in a journal all the things that you’re feeling or thinking. When you’re writing, and nobody else is going to see it, you can write all those horrible, mean things you might be thinking, but wouldn’t want other people to know you’re thinking. You can even write them on a piece of paper and then tear it up and throw it away (or burn it) if you want to make sure there’s no way anyone will ever see it. If you write in a journal, be sure to keep it somewhere safe where it won’t be discovered.
If you’re not really into writing, you can also just say what’s on your mind out loud when no one else is around. You can do it in your car or at home. Yell and scream if you need to – whatever helps you to get it out so it doesn’t stay inside you.
You can also share your feelings with a therapist, counselor, or coach – someone who’s not involved in the situation and can allow you to share your thoughts, then help you to move forward with strategies to deal with them.
I strongly recommend against bad-mouthing your ex to lots of your friends, even if what you’re saying is true or, in your mind, justified. This type of thing has a way of finding its way back to the other person and that can really escalate the negativity between you. It can also start a nasty battle you probably don’t want to be involved with. And your friends may begin to view you differently – you may start coming across as bitter and vengeful, not fun to hang out with.
If people ask you how things are going with your ex or what he/she has been doing lately, you still don’t have to share all the ugly details or how upset you are. Practice telling people that there are still challenges, but that you’re working through them. It’s a first step in shifting your mindset from what’s happening to you, to what you’re doing to deal with the situation and move forward.
Divorce Self Care
2One thing that people often let fall by the wayside during divorce is their own self-care. You feel overwhelmed already and have trouble just keeping your head above water, and yet this is when self-care is the most crucial. If it’s hard to handle what’s happening in your life, it’s exponentially harder if you’re not taking care of yourself.
Here are some questions to ask yourself to see how you’re doing with your self-care.
Are you…
- getting enough sleep so you can think clearly and function effectively?
- eating nourishing foods to give you energy and keep your immune system strong?
- taking a little time to yourself to process what’s going on and allow yourself to feel and express all the emotions that come up?
- asking for help if you need it?
- moving your body regularly or getting out in nature?
- doing something that’s fun or makes you laugh on a regular basis?
If you’re not doing these things, please take some time to look at your schedule and how you can incorporate these actions into your everyday life. They don’t have to take a lot of time, but they can make a world of difference in how you’re feeling and how you’re coping with all the challenges in your life right now.
Take care of yourself and be well!
Divorce Without Some Preparation Can Be A Very Slippery Slope
015 years
by marlene
in Collaborative Divorce
Some friends invited my daughter and me to come skiing with them for the weekend and it’s been a lot of fun. Their daughter is the same age, so they’ve been in ski school and I was able to ski with the older kids (17 years old). I’m actually sitting in a ski lodge right now, with a great view of the slopes, and I’ve been watching the kids in ski school.
There are all ages and many different skill levels out there. Same story on the slopes. But everybody out there had to start with the basics. You’d think that would mean learning to stop (“snow plow”), then learning to turn, right? But actually, you have to learn some other things before you can even do that. You have to learn how to put your boots on and adjust them properly, then how to get your skis on without falling…and if you do fall, how to get yourself upright again with those things on. And you have to learn about safety. It’s a learning process, just like anything else we do for the first time.
Divorce is the same way. Like skiing, you want to get to the more comfortable, solid-on-your-feet-place right away so you can actually have some fun and not be so anxious all the time, right? But it just doesn’t work like that. You’re going to feel really awkward and unsure of yourself at first. And you’ve got to fall on your ass a few times to learn how to do it right. Even if other people are watching or telling you different ways to do it. It’s okay to be very picky about who you choose to learn from. You want someone you can trust, that feels right to you, that has proven they know how to do it in a way that keeps you safe and helps build your confidence.
You have to learn one skill at a time and keep building on them until you have a really good foundation to work with, where you know you can make it even if you’re a little shaky.
It’s important to do some initial preparation (learning about the equipment) before you start moving forward. I recommend giving some serious thought to a few key areas BEFORE you get divorced. In fact, the sooner the better. If you’re contemplating divorce or have made the decision, but haven’t actually begun the process yet, that’s a great time to do this. Start with these areas and certainly add others if they pertain to your situation and lifestyle: Finances (and property/assets), Legal, Communication, Child Custody and Care, Holidays and Special Events.
Think about how you want these things to be handled between the two of you and what you expect in these areas. Write it all down so you can keep adding to it (or revising it) as you go, and so you can refer back to it at any time. I know it’s often very difficult to talk comfortably, or even very effectively, with your partner at this time, but the more you can discuss, the better. You really want to minimize the surprises (like moguls or icy patches on the ski slope) as much as you can.
If you think the kids should be with you during the weekdays and major holidays, you don’t want to find out through a lawyer a few months later that your ex wants the kids during the weekdays and wants to take the kids out of town to visit relatives every Christmas. You may not be able to reach an agreement on these things up front, but at least you will know each other’s desires and intentions and maybe you can be thinking about ways to compromise and come up with an arrangement you can both live with. Maybe the kids are with one parent Mondays and Tuesdays and the other parent Wednesdays and Thursdays. Or with one parent one week, and the other parent the next week. And maybe you alternate who the kids are with each Christmas.
Most scenarios are not going to be all or nothing. It’s time to look at it from both sides and, very importantly, from the kids’ perspective. You may not want your kids gone on Christmas (understandably), but you may also know that your kids absolutely love visiting those relatives they’ve been seeing all these years during the holidays. So try to come up with ways to give each person at least a little of what they want most and try not to take away too many things that have become traditions or favorites in your family.
This preparation work will not only help you to know what to expect, but it will allow you to get much more clear on what really matters to you and on all the ways this is going to affect your life. Without any preparation, the divorce process can be a very slippery slope. You want to go down either on your feet, or on your butt, but not tumbling head over heels, totally out of control. And please remember, having some spills is part of the learning process. Just dust yourself off and try again, remembering what you just learned from that fall.
Being Cold Sucks – Add Some Warmth to Your Relationship with Your Ex
115 years
by marlene
in Dealing Wtih Your Ex
Brrrr….all this cold weather got me thinking about how cold we can be to each other sometimes and how that feels. It’s very much like how we feel when the temperature drops outside. Think about it for a minute. How do you react physically when you’re cold? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you feel very closed off and rigid, no part of you is relaxed, and all you can think about is getting out of this uncomfortable place. You want it to go away. 
Now think about your interactions with your ex or soon-to-be-ex partner. When you go through a divorce, it creates a lot of emotions, many of them very negative. You may have been hurt badly or feel that the other person is not being fair, or even cordial. You may be very cold toward one another.
And how does that feel? You probably have the same reaction you have when you step outside your front door and that freezing cold air hits you, right? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you close yourself off, and you want to get away. There’s no way you can have a productive conversation like this, and you’re only adding to the distance and negativity between you.
So next time you feel the temperature drop when you encounter your ex, try to react differently and see what happens. Focus on keeping your body relaxed, take a deep breath, and imagine how warm and comfortable you feel when you’re talking with a close friend…then look them in the eye and answer with the most natural tone you can muster. If you’re really up to the task, try a smile. This may feel ridiculously awkward and you may still feel very tense inside, but try to keep the outside relaxed. You might be surprised by what happens.
They’ll notice a difference. It’s like when you’re cold and you go by a vent blowing warm air, and you have that moment of “aaaah”. They’ll feel it. And even if they don’t react to it in an obvious way, you will know that you just chipped away at some of the ice that’s formed between you, and you may begin to start melting away some of those negative feelings you’ve been holding onto that have made you a colder person.
Invite the shift within yourself. Focus on warmth and opening up. You can always practice with people you don’t know so you can feel more comfortable doing it. Try it out on the cashier at the grocery store, or a neighbor you rarely speak to, or anyone else you come in contact with in your usual activities. See how infectious the warmth and openness is. People gravitate to it, just like they gather around a fire.
Have fun with it – treat it like an experiment and just see what happens. I’d love to hear how this goes for you.
Stay warm!!
I’m Done With Resolutions – What About You?
315 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
Take a careful look at 2009, then let it go...
For most people, resolutions don’t last very long.
Why is that? I think it’s because they’re usually based on something negative. Either we’re trying to quit doing something that’s hard to quit (smoking, eating unhealthy foods, drinking, etc), or we’re trying to start doing something because we’re unhappy with our current weight, lifestyle, relationship, job, etc. We tend to think that if we’re unhappy with something, especially ourselves, that we can just decide to do things differently (“better”) and then life will be great, right? Wrong. The focus is too much on what’s not working and how much better things will be once we achieve some goal that requires drastic change. And with resolutions, we typically word them in the future tense, right? Like, I’m going to go to the gym at least three days a week, or I’m going to stop eating junk food, or I’m going to work fewer hours so I can spend more time with my kids, and so on. It’s like we’re playing mind games with ourselves. “I’m going to…” sends the message that at some point it is going to happen, so it kind of lets us off the hook for NOW.
So my only resolution is not to do any resolutions. I want a more holistic approach because I want all aspects of my life to be aligned and I want to know what my ultimate overall life goal is, instead of focusing on one particular smaller goal. So I’m going to tell you what I do and I invite you to try it out. Grab a pen and some paper. First of all, take a look back at 2009. If you’re recently separated or divorced, 2009 might look pretty crappy. That’s okay. There may have been a lot of challenges and heartache, so please don’t judge yourself. Look at the past year from a detached perspective, with curiosity and compassion. Make sure to recognize and give yourself credit for any accomplishments. Lastly, make a list of things you are grateful for in 2009. If this is difficult for you, think simple. Even pain can be something we give thanks for, since it usually makes us aware of problems in our lives or shows us what we truly want. When you’re done with 2009, close your eyes, take some deep cleansing breaths, and let it go. It’s over. It’s all in the past. Just relax and let it go. Imagine it all just washing away and leaving behind a clean slate where new stories and memories can be created.
Now fast forward. Pretend it’s December 31, 2010. Write down the main areas of life that you care about. For example, Family, Career, Relationships, Health, Spirituality, Finances, etc. Look back over the year (2010) and write down what you see in each of the areas you’ve chosen. This is not just what you expect in 2010, but what you desire in 2010, what feels good to you. You can get as detailed as you want here. And this is very important – write it in the present tense, as if it has already happened. Remember, it’s Dec 31, 2010 and you’re looking at your where you are “now”. Also, make sure to include what you are thankful for in 2010. When you’re done writing, read it out loud and see how it feels. If it doesn’t make you smile and doesn’t get you a little excited, you might need to do a little rework. When you’re satisfied, store this in a safe place where you can refer to it regularly or post it where you’ll see it often. And when Decemeber 31st rolls around again, you can compare what you wrote to your reality – it will be fascinating.
So here’s to a wonderful new year, designed specifically by you, for you. Doesn’t that feel better than a resolution? And the results will be far better too!!
