Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged Divorce
Divorce: Let Go Of Your Past So You Can Live Your Life
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Divorce can be such a scary, stressful, uncertain time and when you have children, you can multiply that by ten. It’s often difficult to move forward in your life when you’re going through a divorce or are recently divorced. It’s very common to think more about the past and what’s happened up to this point, rather than where you are now and where you’re headed. It is so easy to get stuck in the “what if’s” and all of the “he said/she said” stories, going over and over all of the disagreements, the wrong-doings, the regrets. Or you might be hanging on to what you had at one time and wishing or hoping that somehow everything will be okay and you’ll get back together.
But when you re-live the past or wish for things you no longer have, you are incapable of moving forward. You close off so many chances for joy, love, excitement and fun. You can’t see all the wonderful opportunities and experiences that are before you, when you are in denial of who and where you are today. Hoping and wishing that things were different or that this will all be over, will not make a difference. In fact, you will only be more disappointed, because nothing will change, or it might even get worse.
Letting go of the past can be a big challenge, I think in part because of the way it’s described. When you say “let go of the past” or “put the past behind you”, it implies that it has no value, that it’s going to be wiped away forever, the good and the bad. But it’s not. Just because something is over, doesn’t mean that all the great memories must be erased. You will always have those memories. The key is to recognize that they are memories, and not something to cling to and wish for and think about all the time. By living in those memories, you hold yourself back in your current life, and you don’t allow yourself to make any more great memories.
A ceremony is a great way to honor and recognize something of importance in your life, and to mark an ending and a beginning. Take all the photos, notes, gifts, etc that you have from the years you were married that represent good memories and create a special place for them. Put them in a scrapbook, a special box, a photo album, whatever works for you. If there are items you don’t think you should keep, but have a hard time getting rid of, take a picture of them and then let them go. Now you can still look at them when you choose to, but you don’t have the clutter. As you look at all of your mementos, be grateful for those experiences, those times of joy and fun. Really give thanks.
Now write down all of the “negative” things that have come from the ending of your marriage. All the things that you are sad or angry about. When you’re done, read your list out loud. Now have a little ceremony. Give thanks again, this time for all that you’ve learned through this process, for all the ways that you’ve grown as a result. Let these past hurts and frustrations know that you are ready to let them go because you want to move forward in your life. Tell them they have no power over you any more. Now burn the list (or tear it up into small pieces) and bury it in your yard. This marks a turning point for you, from living in the past, to living your life.
Remember that every ending is also a beginning.
Divorce: School Technology Needs to Get With the Times
014 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
My daughter’s elementary school has an automated phone service that allows the staff to record a phone message and then send it out to all the parents. My phone rings about once a week with a message from the school. I answer and I hear the principal reminding me of upcoming activities, fundraisers, programs, PTA meetings, or special schedules.
Now I think this is great because how often do children bring home papers that get thrown into the mail pile, tossed aside, or forgotten in the bottom of a bookbag? I really think it’s a wonderful way to remind parents about what’s going on.
So here’s the problem: Whoever created the system, only allowed ONE phone number to be entered per student. That’s perfect if every child lives in one home, or has divorced parents but only one of them is involved in their school life. But what about the many children these days whose parents are divorced and both parents actively participate in their lives? It’s really not fair to expect the parent who receives the phone calls to then call or email the other parent and relay all of the information to them. They just shouldn’t have to do that. The phone service should call them too.
And what about situations where the divorced parents aren’t so chummy? Do you think the parent getting the phone calls is ever gonna bother letting their ex know about the school play or the meet-your-new-teacher night? No. And then when that other parent doesn’t show up, how does the child feel?
Time for parents to complain to the schools about it, and get the schools to complain to the vendors about it, and maybe eventually it will get updated to allow for all types of families to be “in the know”.
How to Handle Your Ex Bad-Mouthing You
114 years
by marlene
in Dealing Wtih Your Ex
An issue that unfortunately comes up a lot in divorce is one spouse bad-mouthing the other one, often in front of or to the children. This is so detrimental to the kids and to the relationships between all parties. I can’t stress enough how damaging this is.
I understand that there can be a lot of anger and hostility involved, but saying nasty things (true or untrue) about the other person will not help in any way. Even if there is momentary satisfaction from hurting the other person, it will not last and it will only cause more problems in the end, particularly with the children.
If your ex partner is saying nasty things about you, what can you do about it? You can’t make them stop, but you can control how you respond and how you model mature adult behavior to your children. First, do NOT respond in kind. No matter what they say, do not allow yourself to be dragged into an argument. It’s perfectly okay to say “I will be happy to discuss this with you when you are ready to talk calmly and constructively”, and then excuse yourself from the situation.
If your child is present, definitely remove yourself and your child as quickly as possible, but do not say bad things to your child about what just happened. Instead, explain that “daddy” or “mommy” is obviously upset and that sometimes when people are upset they say things that are mean or don’t make sense. You can also let your child know that you know it’s hard for them to understand and you’re sorry that it makes them feel bad.
If your child voices to you that they don’t like hearing their other parent say bad things about you, you can let them know that it’s okay to voice their feelings to the other parent if they want to (if it’s safe). They can tell the other parent that they love both of you and don’t like hearing either of you say mean things about the other. Just be careful with this because you don’t want it to sound like the message is coming from you – it needs to come from your child if he/she is comfortable delivering it and wants to.
Contact your former spouse after an incident to let him/her know that you do not want your children exposed to your arguments or negative comments. Don’t be pushy or confrontational because that will only egg them on. Simply state that you are concerned about the effect it will have on your kids and that you’d like to keep them out of what is between the two of you. Let him/her know that you’re willing to talk about whatever they want to discuss and you’d like to work together as much as possible since you’re going to have to interact for years to come.
Don’t contact your ex when you are upset. Do something to calm down first so that you can be logical and reasonable. Take deep breaths, exercise, go for a walk outside, listen to uplifting or calming music, do yoga – do whatever works for you. Remind yourself why you’re choosing to be positive and cooperative. If it helps, hold a photo of your child in front of you while you talk with your ex. Whatever helps you stay focused and clear so that you can avoid getting defensive or aggressive is key.
I also suggest letting your ex know that you do not, and will not, say bad things about him/her to your children, regardless of what happens between you. Don’t say it in a way that makes it sound like you’re better than them because that will likely piss them off or cause them to get defensive.
Simply say something like this: “I really don’t want [children’s names] to feel caught in the middle between us and I think it’s important for them know we both love them. Even though I’m not very happy with you right now, I know they love you and I don’t ever want to interfere with that. So I just want you to know that I don’t say negative things about you to them, and I’m not going to, because I think it would make them feel bad.”
Do you see how that takes the pressure off your ex and puts the emphasis on your kids, and wanting them to feel good? It also reassures your former spouse that you aren’t bad-mouthing them when the kids are with you. Often people just assume that the other parent is saying bad things about them, so they do it to in an attempt to “level the playing field”, not realizing the damage they’re doing to the children. So by taking away that fear, you may also take away their need to talk badly about you.
I also encourage you to keep your negative comments about your ex to a minimum with your friends and family. It’s okay to tell close friends or family members about what’s going on in your life, but think about whether you’re just bashing your ex because you’re angry, or whether you’re describing the events that have occurred because you need support and/or a shoulder to lean on.
Venting can be helpful as long as you don’t go overboard. Having someone you trust that you can say anything to and get things off your chest can be wonderful. Conversely, telling anyone who will listen how awful your ex spouse is, just increases the negativity in your life and keeps you focused on what you DON’T want. Tell that one trusted person or write in a journal so you can let the incident go…then start focusing on the outcome you DO want and put your energy there.
Divorce: Your Ex Could Be A Nose-Picker
614 years
I’m sitting on a plane flying across the country and I’m realizing how much discomfort we can deal with in a very civilized way when we choose to. Think about it. We cram into a large metal container, sitting closer to a stranger than we’d like to, especially when said stranger doesn’t have the same appreciation for deodorant as we do. It seems crazy, no?
This particular plane has seven seats across and just looking at the seats within two rows of me, I can see five different ethnic backgrounds, a couple bald heads, one with dreadlocks, a woman sleeping with her mouth open, a couple guys talking loudly enough for me to hear every boring word, two very unhappy babies, someone eating something out of a very crackly bag, two barefoot people, and…a guy diagonally across the aisle from me who keeps picking his nose…really, I’m not kidding. And…lovely…he just flicked it…then reached for the latch of his table tray. Yuck!
We are all different and all doing our own (in some cases, disgusting) things. We probably prefer different temperatures so during the flight some people will turn their air on, others off, some will wear jackets, some will sweat, and others will cover up with blankets. Some people will drown out all other noise listening to headphones, some will read, some will talk, others will do puzzles or work, and some will sleep. Some people will bring their own food to eat, while others will buy a meal or snack onboard.
The bottom line is that we all co-exist here, in this cramped, uncomfortable space with all of our habits and preferences and idiosyncracies and differences. We might be annoyed by loud-talkers, smelly foods, crying babies or nose-pickers, but we won’t fight about it. We usually won’t even say anything. Regardless of what we think of one another as we move toward our destination, we all sit, primarily poker-faced, sometimes friendly or even helpful, but typically keeping our thoughts to ourselves.
Most of us will simply do our own thing and accept the situation as it is. Why? Because it’s worth it to us! The convenience of flying from one coast to another in a few hours is worth being uncomfortable, or even a little pissed, right?
So answer this: what is your child’s well-being worth to you? Can you stand a little discomfort now and then, a few awkward situations when you’re in the presence of someone you’d rather not hang out with? How awful is it? Really. Is it about like listening to screaming babies while a grown man picks his nose and flicks it right in front of you? Then deal with it. Be civilized. Don’t fight over it.
Think about the end result, the destination. Yours is a happy, well-adjusted child who looks up to you and feels safe. Isn’t that what you want? Then don’t create unnecessary turbulence on the way there. But definitely make the trip – it is so worth it!!
Divorce: Is ‘D’ the New Scarlet Letter?
114 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of the most common comments I get from people who have gone through divorce is that they feel like a failure. I completely understand this because I also felt like a failure when I got divorced. We feel like we should have been able to make it work, we wonder if we tried hard enough, we wonder what we could have done differently, we feel we’ve let our friends and family down, we’re afraid we’ve screwed up our children’s lives, we wonder if we could ever have a “successful” relationship.
Ultimately, we have let ourselves down, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Nobody gets married with the plan that when their kids are a certain age they’ll get divorced. Nobody gets married with the plan that after a few years they’ll dislike each other and possibly do very hurtful things to each other. We’re in love when we get married and we think we’re going to be together forever. We have dreams of children and a home together, of vacations and adventures, of growing old together.
And when things change over time and we find ourselves unable to rekindle the love that was once there, or we are devastated by a betrayal or abuse, or we’re riddled by guilt over our own betrayals – we realize we’re breaking the biggest promise we’ve ever made, and that feels like an enormous failing.
While it is true that your marriage has failed, I don’t believe that makes you a failure. Just like when your child misbehaves, it doesn’t mean that you’re a failure as a parent. We all fail at tasks, jobs, relationships, projects throughout our lives – this is how we learn and grow. Babies fall down over and over and over as they learn to walk. Kids crash when learning to ride their bikes. Marriages end as adults change and grow, make mistakes or have disagreements they can’t resolve.
Michael Jordan missed the winning shot in 26 basketball games. Does anyone think he’s a failure? Of course not, but he had failures. And he learned from them. And he had many more successes. This is the lesson to take away. Not that you are a failure, but what you have learned from failing. Thomas Edison failed nearly 1,000 times before he successfully created a light-bulb that would last up to 1200 hours. He learned from every single failure and is credited with some of the greatest inventions of all time.
You have experienced failure and there are many lessons to be learned as a result. You now get to choose how to use those lessons to grow and succeed as you move forward in your life. Others may see you as a failure, and you may feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter. But with such a high percentage of the population getting divorced, I don’t think there’s really a stigma attached to it – I think it’s mostly in our own heads. So just take that scarlet letter off and throw it away. Treat yourself with the compassion and encouragement you use with that baby that’s learning to walk. Take one step at a time and before you know it, you’ll be running and skipping through life.
Knowing When to Fight and When to Lay Down Your Gloves
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Over lunch recently I was talking with a dad who’s going through a divorce. They were married over 20 years and they have an 11 year old son. We discussed how it’s been going so far since he and his wife separated, and what their custody arrangement is. He explained that he had wanted to have custody because he had always spent more time with their son and done more of the day-to-day care because his wife traveled a lot for her job.
The legal system required that they each get depositions from friends and family. He said that his friends and family members wrote very positive comments about his relationship with his son and his parenting skills. He and his wife were given copies of each other’s depositions and he was shocked to discover that her family members had said very negative things about him, including statements that were completely false.
Unfortunately these types of situations in divorce can bring out the worst in people, primarily because people go into fear and defense mode. They are afraid of being attacked or having something taken from them, and so they go on the offensive and attack first. Then, often, even if the other person wasn’t going to do anything ugly, they feel the need to defend themselves and they end up striking back. And the battle begins.
In the case of my friend, he realized that if she and her family were willing to “play dirty” at this point, that it could possibly get a lot worse if the case continued. He didn’t want that for himself and he certainly didn’t want it for his son. So he decided to agree to joint custody, rather than “fighting” for more custody. This was a difficult decision for him, but he felt it was in the best interest of his child.
He thought about how she would react and what she (and her family) might do if he “won” the custody case. How much animosity might there be between them and in what situations might she fight him just because she was angry about “losing”? These are very important points to consider when you’re deciding if a battle is worth it. It’s important to step back and look at the big picture and what your values are, before continuing down a certain path.
Some choices will have obvious short-term consequences, but some will have life-long consequences. Figuring this out, and putting your own pride aside, could mean the difference between a stressful life always waiting for the next explosion, and a stress-free life of cooperation and compromise.
Don’t Let Divorce Define You
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Mar-riage (n): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law
This is the current definition of marriage found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, although it may well change in the near future as more and more people push for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. But aside from the legal aspect, don’t couples form their own definition of what marriage is for them? Not every marriage has the same “rules”, the same expectations, the same roles.
Some married couples have children, some don’t; some couples share bank accounts and others have separate accounts. Some couples sleep in the same bed each night and some don’t. Most marriages are monogamous, but some are open. Some couples spend most of their time together, while others spend little time together. Some couples even live in different houses or cities. None of these differences necessarily make any of these relationships less of a marriage.
In some marriages, one person earns income and is the sole financial provider, and in some marriages, one person takes on most of the child-rearing or household responsibilities. And in today’s world, either the man or the woman can take on any of these roles. Why? Because the boundaries and rules of the past have been redefined. Or, 
more accurately, they’ve been undefined, which brings freedom and choice.
Which brings us to divorce.
Di-vorce (n): the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage
The dictionary definition of divorce is easy to agree with. It’s the perception and assumptions that I struggle with. Our society seems to equate divorce with negativity and failure. While I can understand viewing divorce as the failure of a marriage, I cannot understand viewing the individuals getting divorced as failures themselves. Why are we so hard on each other and quick to judge?
With divorce rates so high, are most of us really failures? No, but many of us take on that role due to guilt and shame. And most of us expect divorce to be a nasty, horrible process. It doesn’t have to be though. Our world is changing. More and more people are coming together and working toward the common good, and we can do the same in divorce. It is a sad and difficult transition to go through, yet it can be used to heal and grow in amazing ways.
Which brings us to family.
Fam-i-ly (n): 1 – a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2 – a group of persons of common ancestry 3 – a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation
I think the first definition of family found in the dictionary has become quite outdated, since about half of all marriages end in divorce. As much as things have changed in our society over the last 50 years, we still tend to think of family as mom, dad and two kids all holding hands and smiling together in front of a lovely house. This is simply not the norm any more.
I have a brother who lived with my mom and me for most of my childhood. I have a step-sister who lived with my dad and step-mother, and we spent every other weekend together. My step-sister has a step-sister who lived with her dad and step-mother and she visited them occasionally. I have a daughter who lives with me half of the time. The other half of the time, she lives with her dad and step-mother and two half-siblings. Her step-mother has a mom and step-father, and two step-siblings who live with her dad. My daughter has a close friend who has two moms.
I have a friend who has one adopted child and one biological child, and sadly the mother died recently, so now he’s a single father. There are more and more dads with full custody of their children than ever before. My aunt raised her two grandchildren when their mother left when they were toddlers. With so many different combinations and situations, how can we possibly continue to define family as a group of people living under one roof, or as mother, father and children in one house?
The third dictionary definition is more appropriate. But, really, family is however WE define it. If you’re divorced and you have kids, you can still be a family. You’re just an expanded family. And your family can include people who are not blood-relatives. We are all connected, regardless of what our family trees say. Those deep connections we share with people, that sense of belonging and knowing we are loved are what make us family. Creating a child together that we both love can make us family, whether we’re married or not.
Redefine your marriage, your divorce and your family to fit who you are and what you believe in. By removing other people’s definitions and expectations, you find freedom and possibility…which foster peace and joy…and the world is a happier place for one more child.
Use Sandra Bullock as a Role Model for Your Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
We’ve all heard about what happened to completely turn Sandra Bullock’s life upside down, and now the news has emerged that she recently (a few months ago) adopted a baby boy named Louis. And in the midst of all this she won an Academy Award. As complicated and busy as our lives seem to be, it’s hard to imagine being in her shoes right now, with every yucky detail of her husband’s affairs made public.
And yet, she has remained incredibly grounded and focused on what matters the most going forward – the children. Of course she needs to grieve and deal with all of the emotions associated with this type of betrayal and having her life yanked out from beneath her. But at the same time, by holding on to what she cares about and trying to protect the children from becoming victims in this situation, she is laying the foundation for a more harmonious divorce experience for all parties involved.
I applaud her for being so honest and for showing the world that even in a very painful and devastating situation, you can still be there for your kids and provide them the healthiest environment possible. That’s where the focus needs to go, because your relationship with your children need not change when your relationship with each other does.
Even more impressive is that Sandra is the step-mother to these children. The fact is that she has been a parent to them for several years, and in my book, the more people our kids have in their lives who truly love them, the better. I sincerely hope that she will be able to continue her close relationship with these kids since she has no legal right to be in their lives.
Here’s an excerpt from People Magazine’s new interview with Sandra Bullock:
“I don’t want to know what life is like without those kids. Jesse and I both know these kids are all that matter. Whatever we need to do, in the healthiest way, we are going to be co-parenting. I know my role is not one that exists on paper, but Louis is their brother, and Jesse and I will do whatever it takes for them to know that their world will not change and still be protected and safe and full of love. It will just have a slightly different dynamic now…”
Way to go Sandra! Another “Family Redefiner” in the world! Thanks for giving us another beautiful model of how to move forward with divorce and co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
Handling Everything Yourself After Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
One of the many things I’ve been working on today is putting together the trampoline my daughter’s been dying for. She’s at her dad’s this weekend and she’ll be thrilled when she comes back and sees it, so I’m excited about it. But….
It’s days like this when I think how much easier it would be if there were TWO of us here, and one being of the male persuasion. I’m fairly strong and am actually pretty good at putting things together and doing basic home repairs, but I’m 5’2” so sometimes I could really use some assistance. I mean, I can’t even reach the top shelf at the grocery store…that’s embarrassing.
But it can be tough when you’re living by yourself, running a household, working, and being a parent. There are times you might feel overwhelmed. After divorce, moms often struggle with handling home repairs, yard work, car repairs and things you don’t think of like moving something large or heavy to or from the attic. Dads often struggle with staying on top of the laundry, the grocery shopping, the meal planning, the school activities & homework, and other household chores.
I know these are stereotypical, but they are common and can be a huge shock after years of marriage where all the responsibilities and tasks were divided between you. So look around you and see what friends or family you have that might be able to help you occasionally with the things you simply can’t do by yourself. And maybe you can do something for them in return. Or if you’re able to hire someone (say for yardwork or housework), then go for it.
Since I’ve done what I can on this trampoline by myself, I’m going to have a couple neighbors come over tomorrow to help finish it. And then it’s bouncy time!!
Right now, I’m going to get the lawnmower out and start mowing…yippee!!
