Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged Divorce
Divorce: Be Grateful
013 years
Expressing gratitude can be a life-changer and it’s so easy. You can simply say out loud what you’re grateful for or you can keep a gratitude journal in which you write them down.
Naming what you’re grateful for can be a wonderful bedtime practice with your children. Each night, before bed, just take turns sharing something you are thankful for. Anything goes. There are no rules.
Just name anything you are grateful for in your life. It can be butterflies, refrigerators, your cat, hugs, ice cream, sunshine, your car, your health, music, friends, whatever.
By starting this now with your kids, you’re creating a lifelong habit for them. And remembering to appreciate all the beauty and love and conveniences you have in your life reminds you what really matters to you and how amazing your life is. There is always something to be thankful for.
I encourage you to write down (or name) ten things every day that you’re grateful for. Ten things. If ten is a challenge, start with five and work your way up to ten. They don’t all have to be different every time.
The point is just to acknowledge what you appreciate and to recognize how much there is to be thankful for, no matter how tough things may seem right now.
To really take this deeper, come up with one thing each day that you are grateful for as a result of your marriage ending. Don’t use this as a way to bash your former spouse. Truly look at what the positives are that have or will come from this experience.
Perhaps you have found strength you didn’t realize you possessed. Maybe the time you spend with your children is now more about quality and closeness. Have you learned how to handle the finances on your own? Have you learned to cook or made new friends?
Maybe you are growing as a person and will be a better parent going forward. This will help you gain some perspective on the situation and realize that some good has come from it.
Make gratitude an everyday practice. Thank you 
Divorce and Back-to-School
013 years
Summer schedules are often quite different from the school year routine. Summer is full of outdoor activities, swimming pools, get-togethers with friends, vacations, visits with family, later bed-times and sleeping in.
Transitioning back into a ‘regular’ school routine can be stressful for parents and kids. There are new teachers, sometimes new schools and new schedules. Try to minimize other changes and stresses during this time so you and your children can ease back into a consistent routine.
Tips for a smoother back-to-school transition:
- Slowly adjust your children’s bedtimes to get ready for school starting. It will be easier to gradually change bed-time than suddenly trying to get your kids to go to sleep two hours earlier than they have been over the summer months.
- Talk occasionally in the couple weeks beforehand about what to expect once school starts, so your kids can start preparing mentally. Don’t spring it on them at the last minute.
- Talk ahead of time with your former partner about how you’re going to handle the new schedule – the drop-off, the pick-up, homework, after-school time, school events, school supplies, other outside activities, sharing information from school, etc.
- Be sure both of you are involved in the plan so both of you can talk with your children about it. Being on the same page and appearing as a united front is very comforting to children.
- Do not argue about the schedule/plan in earshot of your kids. This is very damaging and upsetting to children.
- Show excitement about school starting. Don’t complain about the logistics or the school supply lists. Be mindful of the example you’re setting and the attitude you want your kids to have as they begin a new school year.
- Let your children’s teachers know the situation at home and let them know you’re interested in their feedback. Most teachers appreciate this because it helps them understand your kids better and enables them to better serve them. It will also help you assess how your children are doing with the divorce.
- Find out if your child’s school has a program for kids going through divorce. Many schools do. It’s helpful for children to know they’re not the only ones in this situation. Plus they are more likely to share their experiences with their peers in a private, safe environment.
- If you only have your children with you on the weekends, be proactive and ask about what’s going on at school so you can be as involved as possible. See if you can help out with homework questions (over the phone or skype). Many schools allow parents to sign up for times they can have lunch with their children.
- If you have your children during the weekdays, share the information you get from school with the other parent. Keeping them informed builds trust and allows them to be a better parent for your kids, whereas keeping them out of the loop ultimately hurts your children.
- Recognize that there may be a few bumps or hiccups in the first few weeks as everyone adjusts to the new schedule, so cut yourself and your kids a little slack. Give your children encouragement and a few extra hugs. Take a deep breath before interacting with your ex, and focus on staying positive. Go easy on your self – relax and enjoy the journey
Divorce Tip: Self-Care
013 years
Here’s a video blog about self-care when you’re in the midst of a divorce or separation. Learn just how important it is to take care of yourself FIRST, and what you need to be focusing on so you can get through this transition period with fewer bumps and bruises. Love yourself!!
Divorce Thoughts on Father’s Day
013 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
First of all, Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there!! This is a day to celebrate you and all that you do as fathers, and the special relationship you have with your children.
When couples divorce, they often have a set schedule for when the children are with each parent, and if they live in the same area, this usually includes an every-other-weekend component.
I want to make a suggestion – no, really this is a plea! – to be flexible and generous when it comes to special days like Father’s Day, Mother’s Day and birthdays.
If you’re the mom and Father’s Day falls on “your” weekend with the kids, please be open to rearranging the schedule a bit so your kids can spend time with their dad on Father’s Day. Maybe you share the weekend before and the weekend of. Or maybe the kids go over to their dad’s for a portion of the day.
If that won’t work, then be creative. Maybe you can plan for another day (they’re scheduled to be with Dad) to be “Father’s Day” for them.
My next plea is that you help your kids be able to either purchase a card for Dad or make him one. I realize you’re no longer married and you may feel like this shouldn’t be your job any more. But it’s not about you doing something nice for your former husband; it’s about doing something for your children.
Your kids will feel really good about being able to present something to Dad when they see him. It will also foster more goodwill between you and your children. They will appreciate you supporting a positive relationship with their dad, even if they aren’t able to articulate it. Believe me, it makes a huge difference!
And, to the dads who are reading this: please do the same thing when Mother’s Day or your ex-wife’s birthday rolls around. I know you may not have been the one in the family who made sure cards were purchased, or made, or sent, but please be more mindful of the times when cards or gifts might be appropriate, and encourage and help your kids to get or create them.
My daughter spent some time at my house on Friday after school making a very cool Father’s Day card for her dad. She was excited to show it to me, and I let her know how beautiful and creative I thought it was. I want her to feel comfortable sharing these types of things with me.
If your kids are afraid to share positive thoughts with you about their other parent, they will pull back from you, and your relationship with them will suffer. Open, supportive communication is best, and will result in the happiest, closest family possible.
So go ahead and mark your calendar for those days you know are important to your former spouse, and make the effort to support your children in enjoying those days with them. This won’t just be good for your ex; it will be good for ALL of you.
Divorce Tip: Get Curious
013 years
by marlene
in Video Tips
This is a video blog about changing your perspective when you’re in the midst of a divorce or separation. Find out how being curious can lead to a much more positive outcome for you and your family. And while you’re at it… uncross those arms!!
Divorce: No Sweetheart on Valentine’s Day? No Problem!
214 years
So Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and we’ve been seeing the hearts and candies and cards and other popular Valentine gifts for weeks now. Seems like the red and pink overtook all the store displays as soon as Christmas was over, right?
Valentine’s Day can be stressful and often disappointing, even for people in relationships. There are hopes and expectations, insecurities, comparisons to co-workers, friends, people on TV. Some people really care about giving or receiving gifts, or having a special get-together, and others don’t think it’s very important.
We’ve probably all been in the situation of not knowing what to get our partner, or wondering if our partner is going to get us something, or feeling disappointed because the day or gift or time together wasn’t what we’d hoped for. Maybe we wanted romance, or a night without the kids, or sex, or dinner, or just a card and a sweet “I love you”.
And with no partner on Valentine’s Day, now what? Pity party for one? Not a good plan.
Valentine’s Day is about love. There’s no rule that says it has to be about romantic love. Ignore the media hype and all the money-making crap everywhere, and make this day about love for you and your kids.
Tip: Be sure to plan ahead so you’re not trying to figure out what to do the night before. The point is to avoid falling into the trap of feeling alone or somehow inferior because you’re not currently in a wonderful, fairy-tale relationship. Our society places too much emphasis on getting the perfect gift and having the most romantic night, and not enough emphasis on caring for others and sharing from the heart.
Here are some suggestions for what to do to make Valentine’s Day special this year, regardless of your relationship status:
• Make a list of all the people you love. Your kids, your parents, friends. Next to each one, write down at least one reason you love them. I bet they’d love to get a card or note or email from you on Valentine’s Day letting them know. Include the reason(s) why you love them – it will make it special for them.
• If you have friends who are also single, plan something fun with them. Plan a dinner out or at one of your homes. If you’ve got kids, either get babysitters or include them. Maybe everyone can bring a dish, and you can all make Valentine’s for each other. The kids will enjoy this and it will keep them busy for a while.
• Plan something special with your children that’s all about love and gratitude. Make cards for each other and make a special treat like cookies or cupcakes that you can decorate for Valentine’s Day. Take turns telling each other all the things you love about each other and then all the other things you love in your life – friends, favorite foods, activities, dolls, sports, books, flowers, pets, snow, biking, trucks, etc.
• Love yourself. Express this love by pampering yourself in some way. Yes, the men too. This could be a massage, a bath, curling up with a good book, watching a movie you’ve been wanting to see, eating out, exercising, having some beer or wine while you do something relaxing, working on a project you rarely have time for but enjoy doing, going to a class (yoga, cooking, art, etc).
• Give yourself a gift. Get some flowers and put them in a place where you can enjoy them the most. Get a new CD and listen to it while you dance or sing along. Get a new book and start reading it. Get a DVD and watch it. Pick up dinner so you don’t have to cook. Get a new article of clothing or some sporting equipment. There’s nothing wrong with providing yourself with the things you want or enjoy. It’s called self-care and it’s an important life skill to learn and practice.
Regardless of what you choose to do, remember that you are loved (by relatives and friends), and this one day changes nothing. You can make it a fun, enjoyable day if you focus on who and what you love, and you don’t worry about what anyone else is or isn’t doing.
Much love to you on Valentine’s Day and every day!!
Divorce: Letting Go
014 years
I just turned 40 last week and I spent some time reflecting on my life so far – all the things I’ve done, some things I’ve not done. What I’m proud of, what I’m not so proud of. What matters most to me, what I want for this next year of my life.
I also thought about how perfectly everything happens in our lives, even though we can rarely see it at the time. From love to heartbreak, joy to sadness, every experience teaches us what we need to learn at that time.
I’m currently going through a process of letting go. Letting go of all that is not serving my highest good. There’s actually a lot that fits in that category and it’s a little scary. For example, I’ve got some fears that I’m ready to let go of so I will no longer be held back by them. I’ve got some physical clutter that I want to let go of because I hate seeing it around my house and it adds stress to my life. I want to feel at peace in my home.
I’ve got some old beliefs created in my childhood that no longer make sense in my life, but keep me feeling stuck or reacting in ways I don’t want to. I’ve got some emotional baggage from past relationships (with friends, romantic partners, family members) that I’m ready to release so it no longer has a hold on me.
Letting go can be difficult. But the rewards are great.
When we let go of anything that’s weighing us down, hurting us, or simply not serving us, we create space for something else to come into our lives. A new relationship, a new belief, a new confidence, a new perspective, a new joy, a new mindset.
When going through divorce, there is a lot to let go of and you certainly don’t have to do it all at once. But letting go is the key to moving forward, to finding peace, to enjoying life.
Let go of negative emotions (anger, resentment, guilt, shame, etc). Let go of the expectations and hopes you had for your marriage. Let go of the desire to change the past. Let go of the need to control. Let go of blame. Let go of self-criticism. Let go of competing. Let go of old clothes, old jewelry, old objects that are no longer useful or meaningful to you.
And as you let go, you will open to receive. It is almost magical how it happens.
You will create space and it will be filled. And you will be pleasantly surprised. You will discover that you can feel joy again, that wonderful things do happen to you and that letting go doesn’t mean losing anything.
For assistance in letting go of old beliefs that are keeping you stuck, I offer breakthrough sessions that enable you to quickly discover what’s holding you back and release it so you can move forward in your life. Ask me for details!
Co-parenting: Sharing Holidays and Birthdays
114 years
The holiday season is upon us, starting with Thanksgiving in a few days. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks and I want to share with you one of the things that I am so incredibly grateful for in my life.
I am grateful for the relationship I have with my ex-husband and his wife.
We work together to make decisions that are in the best interest of our kids and our family as a whole. We communicate regularly. We are all involved in school activities and community events.
A couple weeks ago my daughter started basketball. Her step-mom and another mom are coaching her team. The other mom was out of town for the second practice, so I took her place and coached with my daughter’s step-mom. It was fun.
We attend parent-teacher conferences together and we share our thoughts and concerns. We get along well, but we also occasionally have different opinions or ways of doing things. And that’s okay. As long as we discuss them and understand each other’s reasons and intentions, we can work out reasonable agreements and solutions.
My daughter just turned ten (so hard to believe!) and she wanted a French Hotel party. What the heck is that, right? Apparently she read about it in a magazine months ago and loved the idea. So we (her dad and step-mom and I) got together and came up with a plan.
We decided the party would be at their house because they had a better arrangement for several girls to sleep over. We did some shopping separately and some together to get the supplies for the party. We kept our receipts and evened up the money afterwards.
When the girls arrived, they checked in at the front desk (with grandma) and were escorted to their suite. A bellhop (dad) carried their bags up for them.
The girls were served dinner (by mom and step-mom), including cheese, grapes, salad, French bread, and sparkling cider served in champagne glasses, followed by chocolate mousse. They painted masterpieces on miniature canvasses on miniature easels with miniature paint sets (so cute!).
They dressed up and walked the cat walk and they gave each other French manicures. We had chocolate fondue (yum!!) and more “champagne”. In the morning, the girls were served French toast.
The “hotel staff” consisted of my former husband, his wife, his mom and me. Here’s a photo of us. It was great fun and I’m so thankful that we were able to do that together. For our daughter it was fantastic. She didn’t have to worry about any tension or embarrassment in front of her friends, and she got to share her special day with all of us.
We typically alternate the holidays each year, so the years our daughter is with me for Thanksgiving, she’s with her dad for Christmas, and so on. But this year, none of us are traveling and none of us have family coming in from out of town. So we’ve decided to have Thanksgiving together, and again, I’m thankful.
Sure, I could choose to have our daughter with me that day, but then it would just be the two of us. And who wants to do all that cooking for two people? Plus, my idea in my head of Thanksgiving includes lots of people sharing and enjoying each other’s company. So we’re doing it together, along with her grandmother, and I’m sure it will be nice.
My parents NEVER went near each other for holidays or my birthday, and that was hard for me. I was confused by it and even angry sometimes. Why when everyone was supposed to be giving and appreciating, was my family arguing or not speaking? I learned a lot from those experiences and I’m committed to creating positive memories for my daughter.
So what I’ve come to realize is that I’m actually thankful for all that I went through as a child. What I learned has been priceless, and my daughter has benefited tremendously. I am grateful that my journey has led me to exactly where I am today, and I can’t wait so see what comes next!
Thank you for joining me here and thank you for being who you are.
Think of the top ten things you’re thankful for and if some of them are people, let them know.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Co-Parents: Every-day Superheroes
414 years
This Halloween showed me what true superheroes are, and there’s no costume needed. They’re people who have made a conscious choice to come together in peace and partnership to co-parent their children.
I grew up watching and wanting to be Wonder Woman. In fact, I even had Wonder Woman Underoos. If you’re in your thirties or early forties, you probably remember what Underoos were. If not, well, they were sort of a cross between underwear and pajamas with superhero prints on them. My brother and I played in them (in the house) and slept in them.
And I watched Wonder Woman on TV regularly. And the Incredible Hulk. And the Six Million Dollar Man. And Superfriends. And the Bionic Woman. But I really wanted to be Wonder Woman. So this year I finally was…for a night…
Halloween is a fun time to decorate, dress up with your kids, carve pumpkins, eat candy, see your neighbors. This year our “family” theme was superheroes and we went trick-or-treating together. My ex-husband was Batman, his wife was Batgirl, their daughter was Supergirl, their son was Spiderman, our daughter was Spidergirl, and I was Wonder Woman.
A whole superhero family.
And we really are. Each of us is a superhero in our own unique way.
My ex-husband and his wife are super parents and they go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to including me in family activities. They invite me over for dinner and ask me along to community events.
Their kids (I want to call them my step-kids, but technically they’re not) make me weak-kneed with a hug or a giggle, or a simple “please stay”….oh, my heart…
My daughter epitomizes the words “sweet” and “caring”. She excels as a big sister and shows kindness to every living being she comes in contact with. Feeling her hand in mine or looking in her big blue eyes, and I believe everything is possible.
I know our kids are watching us and learning from us every day. And it is my deep desire that they learn what a true hero is. That they see our strengths and our commitment to what it is good and true. That they learn love and compassion and kindness and forgiveness, and all the traits that make every-day people super and heroic.
I strive to be Wonder Woman every day, no matter the outfit. Not by having super powers or being invincible, but by being authentic and standing in my power as a woman and a mother, and by inspiring wonder and passion in others.
What do you desire?
Choose your own superhero alter-ego and pretend you’ve got Underoos on under your clothes. Parent knowing that you’re raising a mini superhero, who must learn from you how to defend the defenseless, love the unlovable, share with the stingy, outshine evil, forgive hurts, show courage, speak the truth, live passionately, and appreciate every experience.
You have power . You are super. You are a hero. Let’s save the world, one family at a time.
Be a Role Model
0In all that you do, be mindful of what you are teaching your children. It may sound cliché, but your actions really do speak louder than words. Remember that your kids will pay attention to what you do, regardless of what you say. And if you tell them to be a certain way or do a certain thing, but you don’t adhere to those same rules, they will notice.
Children are very impressionable and pick up on all that is going on around them like little sponges. In fact, they are often far more aware of what is happening between you and your ex than you may realize. They learn how to interact with others and what normal behavior is by observing us in our everyday lives.
Pay attention to what you’re saying and doing on a regular basis, and how it may affect your children. As you are more conscious of your actions and your words, you can begin to change them if you choose to.
As you go through challenging situations, you can decide what you want to teach your children and what you want them to learn from you for the times when they are faced with challenges in their own lives.
This may seem like a very dark, tough time for you right now, but I invite you to think about the opportunities that you have to teach some amazing qualities and characteristics to your children. You can be an amazing role model for them.
Refrain from making negative comments about your former partner, even if they say negative things about you. Show compassion, understanding, and patience. All of these traits will be passed on to your children.
Communicate in a positive, effective manner to demonstrate your desire to work together and do what’s best for everyone involved. Your children will see that and they will learn to do the same in their own interactions as they go through life.
Take a stand for what you believe in and what matters most to you. You’ll be modeling that behavior for your kids. I know it’s hard, and I know it may seem right now that it doesn’t make much of a difference, but trust me, it does, and it will.
And when your children are adults, they will remember how you behaved and what you did or didn’t do that helped your family get through a trying time. They will appreciate and respect you and want to emulate you, as they will see what a difference it has made in their lives. And you can be proud of what you’ve done and have no regrets. It’s totally worth it.
So think about what you’re teaching and modeling before you think or act. Decide what you want your children to learn from you and how you want to be remembered. Be a role model to everyone around you. It’s time for divorce to be a more harmonious process and you can lead the way.