Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged dealing with divorce
Divorce: Celebrate Your Successes Along the Way
214 years
We all tend to be good at finding every single little thing we haven’t done perfectly and going over in our minds how we might have done things better or differently. Our inner critic gets a lot of action and a lot of attention. When we’re going through a challenging life experience like divorce, this is often even more common.
So I’m giving you permission right now to quiet that inner voice that likes to find fault and criticize, and to make a point of acknowledging everything that you’re doing well. Look at what you’re accomplishing and where you’re making progress and give yourself credit for it.
Take some time at least once a week, and especially whenever you’re feeling down, and make a list of your successes. They can be big or small and they don’t have to be tangible. Maybe you held back when you were tempted to say something antagonistic to your spouse, maybe you had a great laugh yesterday with a friend, perhaps you read some helpful divorce support information or completed some paperwork you needed to take care of.
Whatever you’ve done that makes you feel good, gives you a sense of relief, or moves you the tiniest bit forward – celebrate it. Go ahead and pat yourself on the back for a job well done. For some of the bigger items or those that have the most meaning for you, actually have a celebration of some kind. You can celebrate alone, or with someone else. Just make it fun and meaningful because the point is to feel good about yourself and recognize that you really are making progress.
You can sing and dance in your living room, have your favorite meal, go out with a friend, get a massage, or whatever makes you feel special and appreciated.
It can also help to share your successes with others. Tell a close friend or relative who will be happy for you and celebrate with you. Feel free to share your successes here. Just leave a comment on this blog – I’d love to cheer you on!
Who Are You Being in Your Divorce?
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of my mentors often says “How you do anything is how you do everything”. And I think she’s got a valid point. Think about it for a minute. Let that sink in.
Think about other people you know or have come across (it’s always easier to see things in other people than in ourselves – at least at first). Ever know anyone who was a jerk to the wait staff at restaurants? I bet they were a jerk to people in other situations too. Ever know anyone who made promises and always “intended” to do things, but never seemed to follow through? Ever know anyone whose car was a total mess? Do you think their house was neat and tidy?
Would you be willing to date a guy who’s been known to have a quick temper and get into fist fights with other guys? Not me. Would you be willing to date a woman who turns her nose up at anyone who doesn’t live in the “right” neighborhood or drive the “right” kind of car?
Another quote I like, from Maya Angelou, is “When people show you who they are, believe them”. It’s along the same lines. Basically, if you look at someone’s behavior, even if you only see them do something once, that’s a clue as to what kind of person they are and how they will treat you.
I mention these quotes because unfortunately divorce often brings out the worst in people and I want you to really think about who you are and who you want to be. Look at who you are being in your divorce. Is this the REAL you? Is this the person you want your children to know? What about your friends? What about your co-workers?
Don’t think for a minute that your actions and behavior in your divorce aren’t showing up in the rest of your life. People at work will notice. Your friends and family will notice. Because how you do anything is how you do everything. If you’ve become very negative and angry about what’s happening between you and your ex, your negativity and anger will spill over into every other piece of your life.
Here’s another quote for you: “What you focus on expands” ~Christopher M. Knight. This means that you get more of whatever you put your energy into (like anger and negativity). So the more negative you are in your life, the more negative your life will be. But if you focus on being understanding and compassionate, you will receive more understanding and compassion from those around you.
When you aim a lot of anger and bitterness at your ex, you may think that is the only place it is going, but you are wrong. “For what you do to others, you do to yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle First of all, it affects you deeply as well, and secondly it affects everyone else around you. It is not as isolated as you may want it to be. It is part of who you are and it changes how people view and interact with you.
Other people who are focused on those same emotions will be drawn to you. So you may find others commiserating with you about your situation or enjoy bashing your former spouses together. This is because you share these negative feelings. Conversely, if you begin to focus on forgiveness and collaboration, you will find that there a lot of nice people interested in helping you. “You create your own reality” ~Jane Roberts
What I invite you to do is look at how you are dealing with your divorce and WHO YOU ARE BEING to deal with it in that way. Forget what your ex is doing or who they are being – that is irrelevant. They have their own path and their own work to do. Focus on yours.
Decide how you would like to behave if your divorce situation were ideal. Then ask yourself these questions:
- Who would you need to be in order to behave that way?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about who you are as a person?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about your character?
- What do you want to teach your children about who they can be one day?
- Do you like yourself as you are now? If not, what would you like to change about yourself?
These are tough questions and are not in any way intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Rather, they are to awaken awareness within you about your values and desires, and whether you are currently acting/living in alignment with them. If you find that you are not, don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, be grateful for the new awareness and be curious about where you can begin to take small steps toward that alignment. Remember, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson.
How is Performing on Dancing With the Stars Like Going Through A Divorce?
115 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Okay, so I’ll admit it. I just finished watching the premier of this season’s Dancing with the Stars. It was entertaining as always and an interesting mix of people. One thing that stood out to me in the judge’s comments was how important it is to make the connection with your partner and with the audience – that even if your technical dance skills are fantastic, it doesn’t matter, because the audience notices the “feeling” of it.
And then there are some celebrities who maybe don’t have very good dance skills, but they sure do know how to connect and we can all tell how much fun they’re having when they’re out there. And we tend to like them just as much, if not more, than the ones who have better talent.
This reminded me of how important it is when you’re going through all of the emotional ups and downs of a divorce to remember that your audience is often your kids. Remember that they are watching what you’re doing and they’re listening to what you’re saying, and most importantly, they’re picking up on the vibes and all the unspoken messages that you’re sending.
If you’re telling them that everything is just fine, but you’re extremely stiff and tense, and your lips are pursed, they’re not going to believe you. And if you’re short and snippy with your ex when you talk to him/her, your kids are certainly going to notice (and not like it).
So make an effort to be aware of the feelings and messages you’re sending out, particularly when your kids are observing. If they’re the judges of how you’re dealing with divorce, what paddles would they hold up for you? 4? 7? 9?
Keep striving for that 10….it’s worth all the effort.
(and when you have a really bad day, worthy of a 4, just learn from it and keep working on your new behaviors until they’re more natural)
