Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged custody
How Flexible Are You?
214 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Summer is especially crazy for many families as we try to schedule camps, visiting grand-parents, visiting friends, sleepovers, swimming lessons, vacations and all the other common summer activities. When you get divorced, this can be even more difficult.
Here’s the situation in my family. My parents are divorced and my father is remarried. I’m divorced and my ex-husband is remarried. They have two children of their own (half-siblings to my daughter). So my daughter has four grand-mothers and two grand-fathers, whom she all loves and who all adore her. None of them live in the same city we live in (yet). Of course they all love to spend time with her. So every time she has a break from school (like now), we’re trying to figure out who’s coming to visit or where we’re going.
It can be a little stressful and challenging. But don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled that my daughter has so many wonderful adults in her life who care about her.
The thing is, this would never work if her father and I weren’t willing to be flexible and reasonable, and regularly discuss our calendars. We share physical custody 50-50, so we have our “normal” schedule which includes every other weekend and half of the weekdays that she’s with each parent. But things come up. That’s just life. So we change it sometimes. We talk about it and we change it when it makes sense.
I don’t want to keep my daughter from spending time with her other grandparents, so if they happen to be visiting on a weekend she’s “supposed to” be with me, we mix it up. Maybe she spends half of the weekend with them, or maybe we swap weekends. For July 4th, we all went to the fireworks together.
Be as open and flexible as you can, while still maintaining some routine for your kids. It makes a big difference, particularly as your children get older and care more about attending certain activities with their friends. Don’t prevent them from going to a birthday party or attending a school function just because it’s “your weekend”. There may be times when this does make the most sense, but don’t make it a habit. You don’t want your children equating going to your house with missing out on things they enjoy.
It’s important to figure out a method that works best for you to keep track of all the events and activities that your kids are involved in, as well as your own schedules. Some parents are comfortable picking up the phone and talking about it, or getting together in person with calendars in hand. Other people prefer to communicate via email. Another option is to create a calendar online (Google calendar is one) that you can both view and update. Just make sure you both know what’s going on and be flexible.
Knowing When to Fight and When to Lay Down Your Gloves
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Over lunch recently I was talking with a dad who’s going through a divorce. They were married over 20 years and they have an 11 year old son. We discussed how it’s been going so far since he and his wife separated, and what their custody arrangement is. He explained that he had wanted to have custody because he had always spent more time with their son and done more of the day-to-day care because his wife traveled a lot for her job.
The legal system required that they each get depositions from friends and family. He said that his friends and family members wrote very positive comments about his relationship with his son and his parenting skills. He and his wife were given copies of each other’s depositions and he was shocked to discover that her family members had said very negative things about him, including statements that were completely false.
Unfortunately these types of situations in divorce can bring out the worst in people, primarily because people go into fear and defense mode. They are afraid of being attacked or having something taken from them, and so they go on the offensive and attack first. Then, often, even if the other person wasn’t going to do anything ugly, they feel the need to defend themselves and they end up striking back. And the battle begins.
In the case of my friend, he realized that if she and her family were willing to “play dirty” at this point, that it could possibly get a lot worse if the case continued. He didn’t want that for himself and he certainly didn’t want it for his son. So he decided to agree to joint custody, rather than “fighting” for more custody. This was a difficult decision for him, but he felt it was in the best interest of his child.
He thought about how she would react and what she (and her family) might do if he “won” the custody case. How much animosity might there be between them and in what situations might she fight him just because she was angry about “losing”? These are very important points to consider when you’re deciding if a battle is worth it. It’s important to step back and look at the big picture and what your values are, before continuing down a certain path.
Some choices will have obvious short-term consequences, but some will have life-long consequences. Figuring this out, and putting your own pride aside, could mean the difference between a stressful life always waiting for the next explosion, and a stress-free life of cooperation and compromise.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
