Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged coparenting
Divorce Tip: Self-Care
013 years
Here’s a video blog about self-care when you’re in the midst of a divorce or separation. Learn just how important it is to take care of yourself FIRST, and what you need to be focusing on so you can get through this transition period with fewer bumps and bruises. Love yourself!!
Be the Karate Kid in Your Divorce
314 years
What do divorce and the Kung Fu have in common? Well, I watched the movie Karate Kid (the new version) with my daughter the other day and there are some good lessons in there. Dre, the Karate Kid, tells his mom that he’s going to be learning Kung Fu and she says something like “what have I told you about fighting?”. He replies “it’s not about fighting, it’s about making peace with your enemies”. I like that line a lot. That’s exactly how divorcing parents should look at dealing with each other.
“Kung Fu” means expertise in a skill achieved through hard work and practice. It has also been translated as “patient accomplishment”, because the idea is that it takes time and energy to master a skill. So let your goal be to have good kung fu in your divorce and co-parenting. It won’t happen overnight and it won’t happen just because you’d like it to. You will be required to put in the time and the energy, the sweat and tears, to make it happen. But you can make it happen. And you can “bring honor to your family”.
How does the Karate Kid start his training? Not by serious workouts or even learning specific martial arts moves. He starts by doing what seems to be a very mundane task…over and over and over again. He gets frustrated because it seems like he’s not learning anything. He wants to see results right away and he can’t see how what he is doing can possibly help him when he goes up against his “enemy” in a competition. But the teacher tells him to trust him and keep doing the same thing over and over.
Finally, the teacher engages him in a mock fight and shows him that the movements he was doing that seemed so pointless are actually movements that his body can now do effortlessly in a combat situation. He was learning all along, though he didn’t realize it.
This is precisely how you can create a harmonious situation with your former spouse and your kids. You simply engage in the every-day, common activities and behaviors that you do anyway with your friends. But you do them in relation to your ex.
You treat them respect.
You communicate regularly and effectively.
You use constructive criticism if needed, but refrain from bad-mouthing or dismissing.
You don’t judge or blame.
You discuss issues with a desire to find a common resolution.
You are honest.
You take care of yourself and ask for help when you need it.
You pay attention to and consider your children’s needs.
You notice and appreciate the little things.
You honor your differences and you keep an open mind.
You learn from your experiences.
You hold yourself accountable for your actions.
You celebrate successes.
You won’t see a change overnight and you may wonder if there’s a point to what you’re doing. I assure you, there is. Once these behaviors become natural and effortless, you will discover that you are able to effectively handle almost any situation that arises. You will find that your relationship has improved and you have, in fact, made peace with your “enemy”.
So you now have permission to use Kung Fu with your ex spouse. Get started today practicing patient accomplishment….wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off….
Divorce and Co-parenting: It’s a Team Effort and the Best Team Wins
114 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Getting divorced when you have children means that rather than parting ways you simply redefine your relationship. You go from being parents as husband and wife, living in one home, sharing space and finances, to being co-parents, living separately but still sharing finances in some way and often still sharing some friends. This can be a very challenging transition, as you learn new roles, new responsibilities and new boundaries.
The term co-parent implies that you are a team, working together toward a common goal. Co-workers perform all kinds of jobs together, co-founders create companies together, co-pilots fly planes together. They are members of the same team, each with important roles and duties that enable them to achieve the results they want. In the case of co-parents, the result is a healthy, well-adjusted, happy child who receives guidance and love from both parents.
As in the case of all other teams, collaboration, cooperation and compromise are necessary to be as effective and successful as possible. Imagine a doubles tennis team playing a match and one of the players just stands there and lets the other team member try to go after every single ball. They’re going to lose the match.
Whether you want to be on the same team or not, the fact is that you are, and the game you stand to lose is your child’s life. So what is it worth to you to figure out how best to play with your partner so you can be an unbeatable team?
Look honestly at your strengths and weaknesses and determine how you can divvy up the responsibilities of parenting. Make sure you do your fair share. Communicate with your partner so you can keep tweaking your game plan as needed. Keep practicing and learning from each mistake or stumble.
Get a coach if you need one to help you see the minor issues or potential you might be missing. Find supporters who will cheer you on when you’re struggling or wanting to give up.
You don’t have to be buddies with your ex, or even like them. If you’re finding it difficult to think of them as a partner or teammate, think back to a time when you had a co-worker or classmate that you disliked, but had to work with. You found a way, right? You didn’t love it, but you focused on what needed to be accomplished and you found the most effective way to communicate with them and still get the job done.
If you need to, think of your former spouse as a business partner now and the project you’ve been assigned is raising your child. It’s the biggest, most important project in the whole company and you stand to reap huge rewards if you do it well.
Go team!!
