Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged co-parent
Co-Parents: Every-day Superheroes
414 years
This Halloween showed me what true superheroes are, and there’s no costume needed. They’re people who have made a conscious choice to come together in peace and partnership to co-parent their children.
I grew up watching and wanting to be Wonder Woman. In fact, I even had Wonder Woman Underoos. If you’re in your thirties or early forties, you probably remember what Underoos were. If not, well, they were sort of a cross between underwear and pajamas with superhero prints on them. My brother and I played in them (in the house) and slept in them.
And I watched Wonder Woman on TV regularly. And the Incredible Hulk. And the Six Million Dollar Man. And Superfriends. And the Bionic Woman. But I really wanted to be Wonder Woman. So this year I finally was…for a night…
Halloween is a fun time to decorate, dress up with your kids, carve pumpkins, eat candy, see your neighbors. This year our “family” theme was superheroes and we went trick-or-treating together. My ex-husband was Batman, his wife was Batgirl, their daughter was Supergirl, their son was Spiderman, our daughter was Spidergirl, and I was Wonder Woman.
A whole superhero family.
And we really are. Each of us is a superhero in our own unique way.
My ex-husband and his wife are super parents and they go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to including me in family activities. They invite me over for dinner and ask me along to community events.
Their kids (I want to call them my step-kids, but technically they’re not) make me weak-kneed with a hug or a giggle, or a simple “please stay”….oh, my heart…
My daughter epitomizes the words “sweet” and “caring”. She excels as a big sister and shows kindness to every living being she comes in contact with. Feeling her hand in mine or looking in her big blue eyes, and I believe everything is possible.
I know our kids are watching us and learning from us every day. And it is my deep desire that they learn what a true hero is. That they see our strengths and our commitment to what it is good and true. That they learn love and compassion and kindness and forgiveness, and all the traits that make every-day people super and heroic.
I strive to be Wonder Woman every day, no matter the outfit. Not by having super powers or being invincible, but by being authentic and standing in my power as a woman and a mother, and by inspiring wonder and passion in others.
What do you desire?
Choose your own superhero alter-ego and pretend you’ve got Underoos on under your clothes. Parent knowing that you’re raising a mini superhero, who must learn from you how to defend the defenseless, love the unlovable, share with the stingy, outshine evil, forgive hurts, show courage, speak the truth, live passionately, and appreciate every experience.
You have power . You are super. You are a hero. Let’s save the world, one family at a time.
Divorce and Co-parenting: It’s a Team Effort and the Best Team Wins
114 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Getting divorced when you have children means that rather than parting ways you simply redefine your relationship. You go from being parents as husband and wife, living in one home, sharing space and finances, to being co-parents, living separately but still sharing finances in some way and often still sharing some friends. This can be a very challenging transition, as you learn new roles, new responsibilities and new boundaries.
The term co-parent implies that you are a team, working together toward a common goal. Co-workers perform all kinds of jobs together, co-founders create companies together, co-pilots fly planes together. They are members of the same team, each with important roles and duties that enable them to achieve the results they want. In the case of co-parents, the result is a healthy, well-adjusted, happy child who receives guidance and love from both parents.
As in the case of all other teams, collaboration, cooperation and compromise are necessary to be as effective and successful as possible. Imagine a doubles tennis team playing a match and one of the players just stands there and lets the other team member try to go after every single ball. They’re going to lose the match.
Whether you want to be on the same team or not, the fact is that you are, and the game you stand to lose is your child’s life. So what is it worth to you to figure out how best to play with your partner so you can be an unbeatable team?
Look honestly at your strengths and weaknesses and determine how you can divvy up the responsibilities of parenting. Make sure you do your fair share. Communicate with your partner so you can keep tweaking your game plan as needed. Keep practicing and learning from each mistake or stumble.
Get a coach if you need one to help you see the minor issues or potential you might be missing. Find supporters who will cheer you on when you’re struggling or wanting to give up.
You don’t have to be buddies with your ex, or even like them. If you’re finding it difficult to think of them as a partner or teammate, think back to a time when you had a co-worker or classmate that you disliked, but had to work with. You found a way, right? You didn’t love it, but you focused on what needed to be accomplished and you found the most effective way to communicate with them and still get the job done.
If you need to, think of your former spouse as a business partner now and the project you’ve been assigned is raising your child. It’s the biggest, most important project in the whole company and you stand to reap huge rewards if you do it well.
Go team!!
Divorce: Don’t Act Out of Fear
014 years
Dealing with your ex as you go through the divorce process and try to figure out how to co-parent now that you’re no longer together, can be frustrating to say the least. You may be asking yourself the following questions: Why can’t (s)he be on time? Why won’t (s)he spend more time with the kids? What is (s)he saying to our children about me? Is (s)he dating anyone? What if (s)he moves in with or marries that person (s)he’s been dating? How do I talk to him/her about financial issues? Should I tell him/her about the event coming up at school?
It has probably crossed your mind that it sure would be easier if (s)he would just disappear and stop interfering with your life, right? Or why can’t (s)he be more like so-and-so’s spouse? Well, the truth is, you can’t change your ex. You can’t control your ex. You can’t really avoid your ex. And you can’t make your ex disappear. Especially if you want what’s best for your children.
Your kids want both of you in their lives and they really want you to get along. They may want you back together, and since that’s not going to happen, the next best thing is to have a good, friendly relationship. No, I’m not kidding, and no, I’m not crazy.
I’ve been there, done that. I have a great relationship with my ex and his wife and their two kids. I don’t tell you that to brag or to make you feel bad, but rather to let you know that it’s possible and you can do it too. It didn’t happen because I’m lucky either. It happened because I chose that path. I made a commitment and I’ve done everything possible to stick to that commitment.
For example, I told my ex up front, when we made the decision to get divorced, that I would not repeat what my parents did. I knew he was concerned about our daughter and I let him know that was my primary concern too. I told him the things my parents did that were the most harmful to my brother and me, and I explained that I wanted us to respect one another and make decisions together about our child. I told him I knew how much he loved her and how much she loved him, and how important that relationship was to me. I made it clear that I would never try to keep her from him or use her as a pawn, because I understood that she needed both of us in her life.
When we separated, I gave my daughter a photo of her with her dad to put by her bed. It’s still there after six years. She wanted to put a photo of the three of us on the fridge (from her first day of school) and I said “sure”. These are simple things that really matter.
Don’t underestimate the importance of the other parent to your child, regardless of what (s)he’s done or not done, and regardless of your feelings toward him/her.
I welcomed my ex husband’s girlfriend when they started getting serious. I asked her to come in when they came over together for the first time to pick up my daughter. I wanted her to feel included and as comfortable as possible because I wanted her to be good to my daughter. I never wanted my daughter to be on the receiving end of someone’s dislike for me. And so I gave her no reasons to dislike me.
I realize how impossible this may sound to you right now, but I can’t stress enough what a difference it will make in your life, particularly long-term. It goes back to the golden rule: “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you”. Imagine if you started dating someone who’s divorced and has kids. How awkward would you feel being the outsider, the new person, spending time with someone else’s kids? How would you feel if the ex-wife or ex-husband was rude to you or said negative things about you to their kids?
Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you had no ill will toward them? Wouldn’t you want a chance to show that you could be a positive influence in their children’s lives? The fact of the matter is that both of you (the former spouse and the new partner) feel uncomfortable and aren’t sure what to do or say. Make the first move and ease the tension.
Don’t pre-judge and don’t assume. And remember that this person could be sharing a home with your kids one day and have a big impact on their lives. Do you want it to be positive or negative? You could be interacting with them for many years to come. Also remember that they cannot take your place. Your kids have one Mom and one Dad and that will always be true. They may have additional “parents” who care for them (which can be a really good thing), but they know the difference. They know who Mom and Dad are.
Don’t act out of fear. Act out of love.
Choose what’s best for your children and then make a commitment to stick to it, no matter what. You’ll be glad you did.
To learn more about how to deal with your ex in a way that’s positive and benefits everyone involved, check out my new teleclass series that’s starting in mid-September at www.NavigatingMyDivorce.com. Would love to have you join me!
It’s Spring – What Part of YOU Is Ready To Grow?
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
I don’t know about you, but I just love spring! I am fascinated by how quickly all the new leaves and buds appear on the trees and bushes. My daughter and I have been going around our yard every couple of days to investigate all the changes that have taken place and see what new things have bloomed.
I like the ones that from a distance still look bare, but upon closer inspection I find that there are small buds or teeny tiny leaves. I just feel so much excitement because I know I’m seeing the beginning of what’s going to be amazing growth and beauty, and I look forward to the end result.
Take a look at your life and find what little gems might only be seen upon closer inspection. Find the little buds that indicate the beginning of growth, the potential for something amazing. Out of winter, which often looks so barren and empty and drab, comes such lush, colorful beauty. And I think the same thing is true of any major challenge we face in life.
When things are most difficult and appear hopeless, are the times when the most growth is possible. These are our opportunities for showing our true colors, for transforming an ugly situation into a healthy, thriving one…for truly blossoming.
In the midst of a separation or divorce, of dealing with your ex, of learning how to co-parent, of losing friends, of grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you once had, stop for a few minutes and imagine what may come out of it in the end.
You can be the seemingly delicate flower that gradually pushes its way up through the hard ground, enduring pelting rains and strong winds, but rises taller and taller, and then slowly opens to reveal its brilliance. And when you do, those around you will stop and take notice…and be inspired to do a little growing of their own.
My request of you is to go out into nature this week and take a close look at all that is unfolding around you. Really drink it in and let it inspire you. And then reflect on what’s unfolding in your own life and what you want it to grow into.
