Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Posts tagged children and divorce
Who Are You Being in Your Divorce?
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of my mentors often says “How you do anything is how you do everything”. And I think she’s got a valid point. Think about it for a minute. Let that sink in.
Think about other people you know or have come across (it’s always easier to see things in other people than in ourselves – at least at first). Ever know anyone who was a jerk to the wait staff at restaurants? I bet they were a jerk to people in other situations too. Ever know anyone who made promises and always “intended” to do things, but never seemed to follow through? Ever know anyone whose car was a total mess? Do you think their house was neat and tidy?
Would you be willing to date a guy who’s been known to have a quick temper and get into fist fights with other guys? Not me. Would you be willing to date a woman who turns her nose up at anyone who doesn’t live in the “right” neighborhood or drive the “right” kind of car?
Another quote I like, from Maya Angelou, is “When people show you who they are, believe them”. It’s along the same lines. Basically, if you look at someone’s behavior, even if you only see them do something once, that’s a clue as to what kind of person they are and how they will treat you.
I mention these quotes because unfortunately divorce often brings out the worst in people and I want you to really think about who you are and who you want to be. Look at who you are being in your divorce. Is this the REAL you? Is this the person you want your children to know? What about your friends? What about your co-workers?
Don’t think for a minute that your actions and behavior in your divorce aren’t showing up in the rest of your life. People at work will notice. Your friends and family will notice. Because how you do anything is how you do everything. If you’ve become very negative and angry about what’s happening between you and your ex, your negativity and anger will spill over into every other piece of your life.
Here’s another quote for you: “What you focus on expands” ~Christopher M. Knight. This means that you get more of whatever you put your energy into (like anger and negativity). So the more negative you are in your life, the more negative your life will be. But if you focus on being understanding and compassionate, you will receive more understanding and compassion from those around you.
When you aim a lot of anger and bitterness at your ex, you may think that is the only place it is going, but you are wrong. “For what you do to others, you do to yourself.” ~Eckhart Tolle First of all, it affects you deeply as well, and secondly it affects everyone else around you. It is not as isolated as you may want it to be. It is part of who you are and it changes how people view and interact with you.
Other people who are focused on those same emotions will be drawn to you. So you may find others commiserating with you about your situation or enjoy bashing your former spouses together. This is because you share these negative feelings. Conversely, if you begin to focus on forgiveness and collaboration, you will find that there a lot of nice people interested in helping you. “You create your own reality” ~Jane Roberts
What I invite you to do is look at how you are dealing with your divorce and WHO YOU ARE BEING to deal with it in that way. Forget what your ex is doing or who they are being – that is irrelevant. They have their own path and their own work to do. Focus on yours.
Decide how you would like to behave if your divorce situation were ideal. Then ask yourself these questions:
- Who would you need to be in order to behave that way?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about who you are as a person?
- What do you want to teach your children (or others) about your character?
- What do you want to teach your children about who they can be one day?
- Do you like yourself as you are now? If not, what would you like to change about yourself?
These are tough questions and are not in any way intended to make you feel bad about yourself. Rather, they are to awaken awareness within you about your values and desires, and whether you are currently acting/living in alignment with them. If you find that you are not, don’t be hard on yourself. Instead, be grateful for the new awareness and be curious about where you can begin to take small steps toward that alignment. Remember, “Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.” ~Maria Robinson.
How Children React to Divorce
614 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
If you’re a parent going through a divorce, you’re probably worried about how your children will be affected by the divorce. You may be watching for signs of problems like temper tantrums, withdrawing, poor grades, etc. You may be pretending everything is fine and trying not to mention the divorce much. Or you might be on edge and snapping at your kids a lot, blaming anything that goes wrong on the divorce.
If your kids are acting like everything is okay or even telling you that they’re fine, don’t believe it. I’m not saying that you’re kids are miserable or horribly damaged, but they ARE being affected by your divorce. Just as you are. It’s impossible not to be. The key is to minimize the impact by talking regularly, sharing feelings, encouraging openness and expressing love…a lot.
Your kids are going to be concerned about you and will often try to be especially good during this time because they don’t want to cause you any further upset. They are already worried that your split may have something to do with them so they want to make sure they don’t cause any more problems. It’s imperative that you make it very clear to your children that they in no way caused your marriage to end and that they cannot bring you back together either.
Younger children are more likely to think they are somehow at fault, while older children often get angry at their parents. Some kids cry a lot, others show no emotion. No matter how they act outwardly, they have a lot going on internally as they try to process what’s happening. They aren’t capable of fully understanding adult relationships (even when they’re teenagers), so it’s a very confusing and unsettling time for them.
Let them know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and that you understand their anger, sadness, fear, etc. Don’t try to convince them that everything is fine. Instead let them say what they’re thinking and simply let them know you care. Tell them how much you love them and that you will do all you can to help them get through the changes.
Don’t share too much information with them about why you are getting divorced. They aren’t old enough to understand and this information can be very painful for kids. Regardless of who did what, the children need to see their parents just as mom and dad. If one parent is a jerk, let the children discover and decide that for themselves as they get older. For children, anything negative about one of their parents makes them feel that they, too, are bad since they come from that parent. So if you bad-mouth your ex, you are bad-mouthing your child. Keep that in mind when you have the urge to say something not-so-nice in front of your kids (even if it’s true).
If your kids are in school or some kind of child care, talk with their teachers and care-givers regularly. Let them know what’s happening and ask them to let you know if they see changes in your child. They spend a lot of time with your children and will likely notice if anything is different, and your kids are more apt to act out when they’re away from you.
Divorce is so difficult on the two adults going through it, it’s often hard to muster the energy to take care of anyone else. I know. But your children need you now more than ever. Do your best to be present with your kids, to check in with them and let them know how much you care. Plan some activities that you can enjoy together, so you can all get a break from the heaviness of the “divorce stuff” and enjoy life. Laughter truly is great medicine. The more you’re able to still have fun and laugh, the more your children will feel like things really are going to be okay.
NOTE: For more in-depth information on how to talk to your kids about divorce and what to expect from them at various ages, check out my new How To Tell Your Friends and Family That You’re Getting Divorced Kit. This includes a bonus report on How To Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced. Full details at http://HowToTalkAboutDivorce.com
