Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
dealing with divorce
How Children React to Divorce
614 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
If you’re a parent going through a divorce, you’re probably worried about how your children will be affected by the divorce. You may be watching for signs of problems like temper tantrums, withdrawing, poor grades, etc. You may be pretending everything is fine and trying not to mention the divorce much. Or you might be on edge and snapping at your kids a lot, blaming anything that goes wrong on the divorce.
If your kids are acting like everything is okay or even telling you that they’re fine, don’t believe it. I’m not saying that you’re kids are miserable or horribly damaged, but they ARE being affected by your divorce. Just as you are. It’s impossible not to be. The key is to minimize the impact by talking regularly, sharing feelings, encouraging openness and expressing love…a lot.
Your kids are going to be concerned about you and will often try to be especially good during this time because they don’t want to cause you any further upset. They are already worried that your split may have something to do with them so they want to make sure they don’t cause any more problems. It’s imperative that you make it very clear to your children that they in no way caused your marriage to end and that they cannot bring you back together either.
Younger children are more likely to think they are somehow at fault, while older children often get angry at their parents. Some kids cry a lot, others show no emotion. No matter how they act outwardly, they have a lot going on internally as they try to process what’s happening. They aren’t capable of fully understanding adult relationships (even when they’re teenagers), so it’s a very confusing and unsettling time for them.
Let them know they can talk to you about how they are feeling and that you understand their anger, sadness, fear, etc. Don’t try to convince them that everything is fine. Instead let them say what they’re thinking and simply let them know you care. Tell them how much you love them and that you will do all you can to help them get through the changes.
Don’t share too much information with them about why you are getting divorced. They aren’t old enough to understand and this information can be very painful for kids. Regardless of who did what, the children need to see their parents just as mom and dad. If one parent is a jerk, let the children discover and decide that for themselves as they get older. For children, anything negative about one of their parents makes them feel that they, too, are bad since they come from that parent. So if you bad-mouth your ex, you are bad-mouthing your child. Keep that in mind when you have the urge to say something not-so-nice in front of your kids (even if it’s true).
If your kids are in school or some kind of child care, talk with their teachers and care-givers regularly. Let them know what’s happening and ask them to let you know if they see changes in your child. They spend a lot of time with your children and will likely notice if anything is different, and your kids are more apt to act out when they’re away from you.
Divorce is so difficult on the two adults going through it, it’s often hard to muster the energy to take care of anyone else. I know. But your children need you now more than ever. Do your best to be present with your kids, to check in with them and let them know how much you care. Plan some activities that you can enjoy together, so you can all get a break from the heaviness of the “divorce stuff” and enjoy life. Laughter truly is great medicine. The more you’re able to still have fun and laugh, the more your children will feel like things really are going to be okay.
NOTE: For more in-depth information on how to talk to your kids about divorce and what to expect from them at various ages, check out my new How To Tell Your Friends and Family That You’re Getting Divorced Kit. This includes a bonus report on How To Tell Your Kids You’re Getting Divorced. Full details at http://HowToTalkAboutDivorce.com
Divorce: Let Go Of Your Past So You Can Live Your Life
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Divorce can be such a scary, stressful, uncertain time and when you have children, you can multiply that by ten. It’s often difficult to move forward in your life when you’re going through a divorce or are recently divorced. It’s very common to think more about the past and what’s happened up to this point, rather than where you are now and where you’re headed. It is so easy to get stuck in the “what if’s” and all of the “he said/she said” stories, going over and over all of the disagreements, the wrong-doings, the regrets. Or you might be hanging on to what you had at one time and wishing or hoping that somehow everything will be okay and you’ll get back together.
But when you re-live the past or wish for things you no longer have, you are incapable of moving forward. You close off so many chances for joy, love, excitement and fun. You can’t see all the wonderful opportunities and experiences that are before you, when you are in denial of who and where you are today. Hoping and wishing that things were different or that this will all be over, will not make a difference. In fact, you will only be more disappointed, because nothing will change, or it might even get worse.
Letting go of the past can be a big challenge, I think in part because of the way it’s described. When you say “let go of the past” or “put the past behind you”, it implies that it has no value, that it’s going to be wiped away forever, the good and the bad. But it’s not. Just because something is over, doesn’t mean that all the great memories must be erased. You will always have those memories. The key is to recognize that they are memories, and not something to cling to and wish for and think about all the time. By living in those memories, you hold yourself back in your current life, and you don’t allow yourself to make any more great memories.
A ceremony is a great way to honor and recognize something of importance in your life, and to mark an ending and a beginning. Take all the photos, notes, gifts, etc that you have from the years you were married that represent good memories and create a special place for them. Put them in a scrapbook, a special box, a photo album, whatever works for you. If there are items you don’t think you should keep, but have a hard time getting rid of, take a picture of them and then let them go. Now you can still look at them when you choose to, but you don’t have the clutter. As you look at all of your mementos, be grateful for those experiences, those times of joy and fun. Really give thanks.
Now write down all of the “negative” things that have come from the ending of your marriage. All the things that you are sad or angry about. When you’re done, read your list out loud. Now have a little ceremony. Give thanks again, this time for all that you’ve learned through this process, for all the ways that you’ve grown as a result. Let these past hurts and frustrations know that you are ready to let them go because you want to move forward in your life. Tell them they have no power over you any more. Now burn the list (or tear it up into small pieces) and bury it in your yard. This marks a turning point for you, from living in the past, to living your life.
Remember that every ending is also a beginning.
Divorce: Your Ex Could Be A Nose-Picker
614 years
I’m sitting on a plane flying across the country and I’m realizing how much discomfort we can deal with in a very civilized way when we choose to. Think about it. We cram into a large metal container, sitting closer to a stranger than we’d like to, especially when said stranger doesn’t have the same appreciation for deodorant as we do. It seems crazy, no?
This particular plane has seven seats across and just looking at the seats within two rows of me, I can see five different ethnic backgrounds, a couple bald heads, one with dreadlocks, a woman sleeping with her mouth open, a couple guys talking loudly enough for me to hear every boring word, two very unhappy babies, someone eating something out of a very crackly bag, two barefoot people, and…a guy diagonally across the aisle from me who keeps picking his nose…really, I’m not kidding. And…lovely…he just flicked it…then reached for the latch of his table tray. Yuck!
We are all different and all doing our own (in some cases, disgusting) things. We probably prefer different temperatures so during the flight some people will turn their air on, others off, some will wear jackets, some will sweat, and others will cover up with blankets. Some people will drown out all other noise listening to headphones, some will read, some will talk, others will do puzzles or work, and some will sleep. Some people will bring their own food to eat, while others will buy a meal or snack onboard.
The bottom line is that we all co-exist here, in this cramped, uncomfortable space with all of our habits and preferences and idiosyncracies and differences. We might be annoyed by loud-talkers, smelly foods, crying babies or nose-pickers, but we won’t fight about it. We usually won’t even say anything. Regardless of what we think of one another as we move toward our destination, we all sit, primarily poker-faced, sometimes friendly or even helpful, but typically keeping our thoughts to ourselves.
Most of us will simply do our own thing and accept the situation as it is. Why? Because it’s worth it to us! The convenience of flying from one coast to another in a few hours is worth being uncomfortable, or even a little pissed, right?
So answer this: what is your child’s well-being worth to you? Can you stand a little discomfort now and then, a few awkward situations when you’re in the presence of someone you’d rather not hang out with? How awful is it? Really. Is it about like listening to screaming babies while a grown man picks his nose and flicks it right in front of you? Then deal with it. Be civilized. Don’t fight over it.
Think about the end result, the destination. Yours is a happy, well-adjusted child who looks up to you and feels safe. Isn’t that what you want? Then don’t create unnecessary turbulence on the way there. But definitely make the trip – it is so worth it!!
Divorce: Is ‘D’ the New Scarlet Letter?
114 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
One of the most common comments I get from people who have gone through divorce is that they feel like a failure. I completely understand this because I also felt like a failure when I got divorced. We feel like we should have been able to make it work, we wonder if we tried hard enough, we wonder what we could have done differently, we feel we’ve let our friends and family down, we’re afraid we’ve screwed up our children’s lives, we wonder if we could ever have a “successful” relationship.
Ultimately, we have let ourselves down, and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Nobody gets married with the plan that when their kids are a certain age they’ll get divorced. Nobody gets married with the plan that after a few years they’ll dislike each other and possibly do very hurtful things to each other. We’re in love when we get married and we think we’re going to be together forever. We have dreams of children and a home together, of vacations and adventures, of growing old together.
And when things change over time and we find ourselves unable to rekindle the love that was once there, or we are devastated by a betrayal or abuse, or we’re riddled by guilt over our own betrayals – we realize we’re breaking the biggest promise we’ve ever made, and that feels like an enormous failing.
While it is true that your marriage has failed, I don’t believe that makes you a failure. Just like when your child misbehaves, it doesn’t mean that you’re a failure as a parent. We all fail at tasks, jobs, relationships, projects throughout our lives – this is how we learn and grow. Babies fall down over and over and over as they learn to walk. Kids crash when learning to ride their bikes. Marriages end as adults change and grow, make mistakes or have disagreements they can’t resolve.
Michael Jordan missed the winning shot in 26 basketball games. Does anyone think he’s a failure? Of course not, but he had failures. And he learned from them. And he had many more successes. This is the lesson to take away. Not that you are a failure, but what you have learned from failing. Thomas Edison failed nearly 1,000 times before he successfully created a light-bulb that would last up to 1200 hours. He learned from every single failure and is credited with some of the greatest inventions of all time.
You have experienced failure and there are many lessons to be learned as a result. You now get to choose how to use those lessons to grow and succeed as you move forward in your life. Others may see you as a failure, and you may feel like you’re wearing a scarlet letter. But with such a high percentage of the population getting divorced, I don’t think there’s really a stigma attached to it – I think it’s mostly in our own heads. So just take that scarlet letter off and throw it away. Treat yourself with the compassion and encouragement you use with that baby that’s learning to walk. Take one step at a time and before you know it, you’ll be running and skipping through life.
Knowing When to Fight and When to Lay Down Your Gloves
014 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Over lunch recently I was talking with a dad who’s going through a divorce. They were married over 20 years and they have an 11 year old son. We discussed how it’s been going so far since he and his wife separated, and what their custody arrangement is. He explained that he had wanted to have custody because he had always spent more time with their son and done more of the day-to-day care because his wife traveled a lot for her job.
The legal system required that they each get depositions from friends and family. He said that his friends and family members wrote very positive comments about his relationship with his son and his parenting skills. He and his wife were given copies of each other’s depositions and he was shocked to discover that her family members had said very negative things about him, including statements that were completely false.
Unfortunately these types of situations in divorce can bring out the worst in people, primarily because people go into fear and defense mode. They are afraid of being attacked or having something taken from them, and so they go on the offensive and attack first. Then, often, even if the other person wasn’t going to do anything ugly, they feel the need to defend themselves and they end up striking back. And the battle begins.
In the case of my friend, he realized that if she and her family were willing to “play dirty” at this point, that it could possibly get a lot worse if the case continued. He didn’t want that for himself and he certainly didn’t want it for his son. So he decided to agree to joint custody, rather than “fighting” for more custody. This was a difficult decision for him, but he felt it was in the best interest of his child.
He thought about how she would react and what she (and her family) might do if he “won” the custody case. How much animosity might there be between them and in what situations might she fight him just because she was angry about “losing”? These are very important points to consider when you’re deciding if a battle is worth it. It’s important to step back and look at the big picture and what your values are, before continuing down a certain path.
Some choices will have obvious short-term consequences, but some will have life-long consequences. Figuring this out, and putting your own pride aside, could mean the difference between a stressful life always waiting for the next explosion, and a stress-free life of cooperation and compromise.
Don’t Let Divorce Define You
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Mar-riage (n): the state of being united to a person of the opposite sex as husband or wife in a consensual and contractual relationship recognized by law
This is the current definition of marriage found in the Merriam-Webster dictionary, although it may well change in the near future as more and more people push for the legal recognition of same-sex marriage. But aside from the legal aspect, don’t couples form their own definition of what marriage is for them? Not every marriage has the same “rules”, the same expectations, the same roles.
Some married couples have children, some don’t; some couples share bank accounts and others have separate accounts. Some couples sleep in the same bed each night and some don’t. Most marriages are monogamous, but some are open. Some couples spend most of their time together, while others spend little time together. Some couples even live in different houses or cities. None of these differences necessarily make any of these relationships less of a marriage.
In some marriages, one person earns income and is the sole financial provider, and in some marriages, one person takes on most of the child-rearing or household responsibilities. And in today’s world, either the man or the woman can take on any of these roles. Why? Because the boundaries and rules of the past have been redefined. Or, 
more accurately, they’ve been undefined, which brings freedom and choice.
Which brings us to divorce.
Di-vorce (n): the action or an instance of legally dissolving a marriage
The dictionary definition of divorce is easy to agree with. It’s the perception and assumptions that I struggle with. Our society seems to equate divorce with negativity and failure. While I can understand viewing divorce as the failure of a marriage, I cannot understand viewing the individuals getting divorced as failures themselves. Why are we so hard on each other and quick to judge?
With divorce rates so high, are most of us really failures? No, but many of us take on that role due to guilt and shame. And most of us expect divorce to be a nasty, horrible process. It doesn’t have to be though. Our world is changing. More and more people are coming together and working toward the common good, and we can do the same in divorce. It is a sad and difficult transition to go through, yet it can be used to heal and grow in amazing ways.
Which brings us to family.
Fam-i-ly (n): 1 – a group of individuals living under one roof and usually under one head 2 – a group of persons of common ancestry 3 – a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation
I think the first definition of family found in the dictionary has become quite outdated, since about half of all marriages end in divorce. As much as things have changed in our society over the last 50 years, we still tend to think of family as mom, dad and two kids all holding hands and smiling together in front of a lovely house. This is simply not the norm any more.
I have a brother who lived with my mom and me for most of my childhood. I have a step-sister who lived with my dad and step-mother, and we spent every other weekend together. My step-sister has a step-sister who lived with her dad and step-mother and she visited them occasionally. I have a daughter who lives with me half of the time. The other half of the time, she lives with her dad and step-mother and two half-siblings. Her step-mother has a mom and step-father, and two step-siblings who live with her dad. My daughter has a close friend who has two moms.
I have a friend who has one adopted child and one biological child, and sadly the mother died recently, so now he’s a single father. There are more and more dads with full custody of their children than ever before. My aunt raised her two grandchildren when their mother left when they were toddlers. With so many different combinations and situations, how can we possibly continue to define family as a group of people living under one roof, or as mother, father and children in one house?
The third dictionary definition is more appropriate. But, really, family is however WE define it. If you’re divorced and you have kids, you can still be a family. You’re just an expanded family. And your family can include people who are not blood-relatives. We are all connected, regardless of what our family trees say. Those deep connections we share with people, that sense of belonging and knowing we are loved are what make us family. Creating a child together that we both love can make us family, whether we’re married or not.
Redefine your marriage, your divorce and your family to fit who you are and what you believe in. By removing other people’s definitions and expectations, you find freedom and possibility…which foster peace and joy…and the world is a happier place for one more child.
It’s Spring – What Part of YOU Is Ready To Grow?
015 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
I don’t know about you, but I just love spring! I am fascinated by how quickly all the new leaves and buds appear on the trees and bushes. My daughter and I have been going around our yard every couple of days to investigate all the changes that have taken place and see what new things have bloomed.
I like the ones that from a distance still look bare, but upon closer inspection I find that there are small buds or teeny tiny leaves. I just feel so much excitement because I know I’m seeing the beginning of what’s going to be amazing growth and beauty, and I look forward to the end result.
Take a look at your life and find what little gems might only be seen upon closer inspection. Find the little buds that indicate the beginning of growth, the potential for something amazing. Out of winter, which often looks so barren and empty and drab, comes such lush, colorful beauty. And I think the same thing is true of any major challenge we face in life.
When things are most difficult and appear hopeless, are the times when the most growth is possible. These are our opportunities for showing our true colors, for transforming an ugly situation into a healthy, thriving one…for truly blossoming.
In the midst of a separation or divorce, of dealing with your ex, of learning how to co-parent, of losing friends, of grieving the loss of your marriage and the life you once had, stop for a few minutes and imagine what may come out of it in the end.
You can be the seemingly delicate flower that gradually pushes its way up through the hard ground, enduring pelting rains and strong winds, but rises taller and taller, and then slowly opens to reveal its brilliance. And when you do, those around you will stop and take notice…and be inspired to do a little growing of their own.
My request of you is to go out into nature this week and take a close look at all that is unfolding around you. Really drink it in and let it inspire you. And then reflect on what’s unfolding in your own life and what you want it to grow into.
How is Performing on Dancing With the Stars Like Going Through A Divorce?
115 years
by marlene
in dealing with divorce
Okay, so I’ll admit it. I just finished watching the premier of this season’s Dancing with the Stars. It was entertaining as always and an interesting mix of people. One thing that stood out to me in the judge’s comments was how important it is to make the connection with your partner and with the audience – that even if your technical dance skills are fantastic, it doesn’t matter, because the audience notices the “feeling” of it.
And then there are some celebrities who maybe don’t have very good dance skills, but they sure do know how to connect and we can all tell how much fun they’re having when they’re out there. And we tend to like them just as much, if not more, than the ones who have better talent.
This reminded me of how important it is when you’re going through all of the emotional ups and downs of a divorce to remember that your audience is often your kids. Remember that they are watching what you’re doing and they’re listening to what you’re saying, and most importantly, they’re picking up on the vibes and all the unspoken messages that you’re sending.
If you’re telling them that everything is just fine, but you’re extremely stiff and tense, and your lips are pursed, they’re not going to believe you. And if you’re short and snippy with your ex when you talk to him/her, your kids are certainly going to notice (and not like it).
So make an effort to be aware of the feelings and messages you’re sending out, particularly when your kids are observing. If they’re the judges of how you’re dealing with divorce, what paddles would they hold up for you? 4? 7? 9?
Keep striving for that 10….it’s worth all the effort.
(and when you have a really bad day, worthy of a 4, just learn from it and keep working on your new behaviors until they’re more natural)
