Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
Co-Parenting
Divorce and Back-to-School
013 years
Summer schedules are often quite different from the school year routine. Summer is full of outdoor activities, swimming pools, get-togethers with friends, vacations, visits with family, later bed-times and sleeping in.
Transitioning back into a ‘regular’ school routine can be stressful for parents and kids. There are new teachers, sometimes new schools and new schedules. Try to minimize other changes and stresses during this time so you and your children can ease back into a consistent routine.
Tips for a smoother back-to-school transition:
- Slowly adjust your children’s bedtimes to get ready for school starting. It will be easier to gradually change bed-time than suddenly trying to get your kids to go to sleep two hours earlier than they have been over the summer months.
- Talk occasionally in the couple weeks beforehand about what to expect once school starts, so your kids can start preparing mentally. Don’t spring it on them at the last minute.
- Talk ahead of time with your former partner about how you’re going to handle the new schedule – the drop-off, the pick-up, homework, after-school time, school events, school supplies, other outside activities, sharing information from school, etc.
- Be sure both of you are involved in the plan so both of you can talk with your children about it. Being on the same page and appearing as a united front is very comforting to children.
- Do not argue about the schedule/plan in earshot of your kids. This is very damaging and upsetting to children.
- Show excitement about school starting. Don’t complain about the logistics or the school supply lists. Be mindful of the example you’re setting and the attitude you want your kids to have as they begin a new school year.
- Let your children’s teachers know the situation at home and let them know you’re interested in their feedback. Most teachers appreciate this because it helps them understand your kids better and enables them to better serve them. It will also help you assess how your children are doing with the divorce.
- Find out if your child’s school has a program for kids going through divorce. Many schools do. It’s helpful for children to know they’re not the only ones in this situation. Plus they are more likely to share their experiences with their peers in a private, safe environment.
- If you only have your children with you on the weekends, be proactive and ask about what’s going on at school so you can be as involved as possible. See if you can help out with homework questions (over the phone or skype). Many schools allow parents to sign up for times they can have lunch with their children.
- If you have your children during the weekdays, share the information you get from school with the other parent. Keeping them informed builds trust and allows them to be a better parent for your kids, whereas keeping them out of the loop ultimately hurts your children.
- Recognize that there may be a few bumps or hiccups in the first few weeks as everyone adjusts to the new schedule, so cut yourself and your kids a little slack. Give your children encouragement and a few extra hugs. Take a deep breath before interacting with your ex, and focus on staying positive. Go easy on your self – relax and enjoy the journey
Co-parenting: Sharing Holidays and Birthdays
114 years
The holiday season is upon us, starting with Thanksgiving in a few days. Thanksgiving is a time for giving thanks and I want to share with you one of the things that I am so incredibly grateful for in my life.
I am grateful for the relationship I have with my ex-husband and his wife.
We work together to make decisions that are in the best interest of our kids and our family as a whole. We communicate regularly. We are all involved in school activities and community events.
A couple weeks ago my daughter started basketball. Her step-mom and another mom are coaching her team. The other mom was out of town for the second practice, so I took her place and coached with my daughter’s step-mom. It was fun.
We attend parent-teacher conferences together and we share our thoughts and concerns. We get along well, but we also occasionally have different opinions or ways of doing things. And that’s okay. As long as we discuss them and understand each other’s reasons and intentions, we can work out reasonable agreements and solutions.
My daughter just turned ten (so hard to believe!) and she wanted a French Hotel party. What the heck is that, right? Apparently she read about it in a magazine months ago and loved the idea. So we (her dad and step-mom and I) got together and came up with a plan.
We decided the party would be at their house because they had a better arrangement for several girls to sleep over. We did some shopping separately and some together to get the supplies for the party. We kept our receipts and evened up the money afterwards.
When the girls arrived, they checked in at the front desk (with grandma) and were escorted to their suite. A bellhop (dad) carried their bags up for them.
The girls were served dinner (by mom and step-mom), including cheese, grapes, salad, French bread, and sparkling cider served in champagne glasses, followed by chocolate mousse. They painted masterpieces on miniature canvasses on miniature easels with miniature paint sets (so cute!).
They dressed up and walked the cat walk and they gave each other French manicures. We had chocolate fondue (yum!!) and more “champagne”. In the morning, the girls were served French toast.
The “hotel staff” consisted of my former husband, his wife, his mom and me. Here’s a photo of us. It was great fun and I’m so thankful that we were able to do that together. For our daughter it was fantastic. She didn’t have to worry about any tension or embarrassment in front of her friends, and she got to share her special day with all of us.
We typically alternate the holidays each year, so the years our daughter is with me for Thanksgiving, she’s with her dad for Christmas, and so on. But this year, none of us are traveling and none of us have family coming in from out of town. So we’ve decided to have Thanksgiving together, and again, I’m thankful.
Sure, I could choose to have our daughter with me that day, but then it would just be the two of us. And who wants to do all that cooking for two people? Plus, my idea in my head of Thanksgiving includes lots of people sharing and enjoying each other’s company. So we’re doing it together, along with her grandmother, and I’m sure it will be nice.
My parents NEVER went near each other for holidays or my birthday, and that was hard for me. I was confused by it and even angry sometimes. Why when everyone was supposed to be giving and appreciating, was my family arguing or not speaking? I learned a lot from those experiences and I’m committed to creating positive memories for my daughter.
So what I’ve come to realize is that I’m actually thankful for all that I went through as a child. What I learned has been priceless, and my daughter has benefited tremendously. I am grateful that my journey has led me to exactly where I am today, and I can’t wait so see what comes next!
Thank you for joining me here and thank you for being who you are.
Think of the top ten things you’re thankful for and if some of them are people, let them know.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Co-Parents: Every-day Superheroes
414 years
This Halloween showed me what true superheroes are, and there’s no costume needed. They’re people who have made a conscious choice to come together in peace and partnership to co-parent their children.
I grew up watching and wanting to be Wonder Woman. In fact, I even had Wonder Woman Underoos. If you’re in your thirties or early forties, you probably remember what Underoos were. If not, well, they were sort of a cross between underwear and pajamas with superhero prints on them. My brother and I played in them (in the house) and slept in them.
And I watched Wonder Woman on TV regularly. And the Incredible Hulk. And the Six Million Dollar Man. And Superfriends. And the Bionic Woman. But I really wanted to be Wonder Woman. So this year I finally was…for a night…
Halloween is a fun time to decorate, dress up with your kids, carve pumpkins, eat candy, see your neighbors. This year our “family” theme was superheroes and we went trick-or-treating together. My ex-husband was Batman, his wife was Batgirl, their daughter was Supergirl, their son was Spiderman, our daughter was Spidergirl, and I was Wonder Woman.
A whole superhero family.
And we really are. Each of us is a superhero in our own unique way.
My ex-husband and his wife are super parents and they go above and beyond the call of duty when it comes to including me in family activities. They invite me over for dinner and ask me along to community events.
Their kids (I want to call them my step-kids, but technically they’re not) make me weak-kneed with a hug or a giggle, or a simple “please stay”….oh, my heart…
My daughter epitomizes the words “sweet” and “caring”. She excels as a big sister and shows kindness to every living being she comes in contact with. Feeling her hand in mine or looking in her big blue eyes, and I believe everything is possible.
I know our kids are watching us and learning from us every day. And it is my deep desire that they learn what a true hero is. That they see our strengths and our commitment to what it is good and true. That they learn love and compassion and kindness and forgiveness, and all the traits that make every-day people super and heroic.
I strive to be Wonder Woman every day, no matter the outfit. Not by having super powers or being invincible, but by being authentic and standing in my power as a woman and a mother, and by inspiring wonder and passion in others.
What do you desire?
Choose your own superhero alter-ego and pretend you’ve got Underoos on under your clothes. Parent knowing that you’re raising a mini superhero, who must learn from you how to defend the defenseless, love the unlovable, share with the stingy, outshine evil, forgive hurts, show courage, speak the truth, live passionately, and appreciate every experience.
You have power . You are super. You are a hero. Let’s save the world, one family at a time.
Divorce and Co-parenting: It’s a Team Effort and the Best Team Wins
114 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Getting divorced when you have children means that rather than parting ways you simply redefine your relationship. You go from being parents as husband and wife, living in one home, sharing space and finances, to being co-parents, living separately but still sharing finances in some way and often still sharing some friends. This can be a very challenging transition, as you learn new roles, new responsibilities and new boundaries.
The term co-parent implies that you are a team, working together toward a common goal. Co-workers perform all kinds of jobs together, co-founders create companies together, co-pilots fly planes together. They are members of the same team, each with important roles and duties that enable them to achieve the results they want. In the case of co-parents, the result is a healthy, well-adjusted, happy child who receives guidance and love from both parents.
As in the case of all other teams, collaboration, cooperation and compromise are necessary to be as effective and successful as possible. Imagine a doubles tennis team playing a match and one of the players just stands there and lets the other team member try to go after every single ball. They’re going to lose the match.
Whether you want to be on the same team or not, the fact is that you are, and the game you stand to lose is your child’s life. So what is it worth to you to figure out how best to play with your partner so you can be an unbeatable team?
Look honestly at your strengths and weaknesses and determine how you can divvy up the responsibilities of parenting. Make sure you do your fair share. Communicate with your partner so you can keep tweaking your game plan as needed. Keep practicing and learning from each mistake or stumble.
Get a coach if you need one to help you see the minor issues or potential you might be missing. Find supporters who will cheer you on when you’re struggling or wanting to give up.
You don’t have to be buddies with your ex, or even like them. If you’re finding it difficult to think of them as a partner or teammate, think back to a time when you had a co-worker or classmate that you disliked, but had to work with. You found a way, right? You didn’t love it, but you focused on what needed to be accomplished and you found the most effective way to communicate with them and still get the job done.
If you need to, think of your former spouse as a business partner now and the project you’ve been assigned is raising your child. It’s the biggest, most important project in the whole company and you stand to reap huge rewards if you do it well.
Go team!!
How Flexible Are You?
214 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Summer is especially crazy for many families as we try to schedule camps, visiting grand-parents, visiting friends, sleepovers, swimming lessons, vacations and all the other common summer activities. When you get divorced, this can be even more difficult.
Here’s the situation in my family. My parents are divorced and my father is remarried. I’m divorced and my ex-husband is remarried. They have two children of their own (half-siblings to my daughter). So my daughter has four grand-mothers and two grand-fathers, whom she all loves and who all adore her. None of them live in the same city we live in (yet). Of course they all love to spend time with her. So every time she has a break from school (like now), we’re trying to figure out who’s coming to visit or where we’re going.
It can be a little stressful and challenging. But don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled that my daughter has so many wonderful adults in her life who care about her.
The thing is, this would never work if her father and I weren’t willing to be flexible and reasonable, and regularly discuss our calendars. We share physical custody 50-50, so we have our “normal” schedule which includes every other weekend and half of the weekdays that she’s with each parent. But things come up. That’s just life. So we change it sometimes. We talk about it and we change it when it makes sense.
I don’t want to keep my daughter from spending time with her other grandparents, so if they happen to be visiting on a weekend she’s “supposed to” be with me, we mix it up. Maybe she spends half of the weekend with them, or maybe we swap weekends. For July 4th, we all went to the fireworks together.
Be as open and flexible as you can, while still maintaining some routine for your kids. It makes a big difference, particularly as your children get older and care more about attending certain activities with their friends. Don’t prevent them from going to a birthday party or attending a school function just because it’s “your weekend”. There may be times when this does make the most sense, but don’t make it a habit. You don’t want your children equating going to your house with missing out on things they enjoy.
It’s important to figure out a method that works best for you to keep track of all the events and activities that your kids are involved in, as well as your own schedules. Some parents are comfortable picking up the phone and talking about it, or getting together in person with calendars in hand. Other people prefer to communicate via email. Another option is to create a calendar online (Google calendar is one) that you can both view and update. Just make sure you both know what’s going on and be flexible.
Use Sandra Bullock as a Role Model for Your Divorce
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
We’ve all heard about what happened to completely turn Sandra Bullock’s life upside down, and now the news has emerged that she recently (a few months ago) adopted a baby boy named Louis. And in the midst of all this she won an Academy Award. As complicated and busy as our lives seem to be, it’s hard to imagine being in her shoes right now, with every yucky detail of her husband’s affairs made public.
And yet, she has remained incredibly grounded and focused on what matters the most going forward – the children. Of course she needs to grieve and deal with all of the emotions associated with this type of betrayal and having her life yanked out from beneath her. But at the same time, by holding on to what she cares about and trying to protect the children from becoming victims in this situation, she is laying the foundation for a more harmonious divorce experience for all parties involved.
I applaud her for being so honest and for showing the world that even in a very painful and devastating situation, you can still be there for your kids and provide them the healthiest environment possible. That’s where the focus needs to go, because your relationship with your children need not change when your relationship with each other does.
Even more impressive is that Sandra is the step-mother to these children. The fact is that she has been a parent to them for several years, and in my book, the more people our kids have in their lives who truly love them, the better. I sincerely hope that she will be able to continue her close relationship with these kids since she has no legal right to be in their lives.
Here’s an excerpt from People Magazine’s new interview with Sandra Bullock:
“I don’t want to know what life is like without those kids. Jesse and I both know these kids are all that matter. Whatever we need to do, in the healthiest way, we are going to be co-parenting. I know my role is not one that exists on paper, but Louis is their brother, and Jesse and I will do whatever it takes for them to know that their world will not change and still be protected and safe and full of love. It will just have a slightly different dynamic now…”
Way to go Sandra! Another “Family Redefiner” in the world! Thanks for giving us another beautiful model of how to move forward with divorce and co-parenting.
Co-Parenting Tips
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
Co-parenting is incredibly important for your children’s wellbeing. This means, whether your kids are with you most of the time, with their other parent most of the time, or split their time evenly between you, both of you need to be involved in the kids’ lives and in any decisions that are made about them.
Having one parent do all the real parenting, while the other one just takes the kids for fun outings, is not really co-parenting. Buying your kids lots of things every time you see them is not strong parenting either and can put the children in the middle between you. You may think that by doing really exciting things for your kids that they’ll like you better or want you more than their other parent, but it rarely works like that.
In fact, it can actually cause your child more pain and confusion, because they may now feel that they’re obligated to show you extra love, or they may feel very protective of the other parent who perhaps can’t afford such gifts.
Your children will love you both if you both simply love them, spend time with them, listen to them, laugh with them, and reassure them that you are there for them. In other words, just be their mom or dad. It’s not a competition and you can’t buy love.
If your custody situation and schedule are such that you only see your children every other weekend, you can still have a wonderfully close relationship with them if you spend quality time with them. What does that mean exactly? It doesn’t mean you have to plan a lot of outings or special activities that cost money.
Pay attention to what your child likes and talks about, and focus on those things. If they love to draw, then spend time drawing with them. If they love to be outside and explore, then go on some nature trails or walk around your neighborhood looking for certain leaves and flowers. If they like baking, then try a new recipe and let them do most of the “work”. If they’re into model airplanes, get a kit and make one together. If they love music, ask to hear some of their favorite tunes. If they’re not too old to be mortified, dance around with them. Bottom line: show an interest in them and let them know you’re there for them.
Don’t decide that rules go out the window because you feel sorry for your kids or feel guilty about getting divorced. This will not benefit them and will lead to more issues down the road. The more consistent you can be, the better. This lets them know that just because you’re not married anymore, everything hasn’t changed.
The more your children feel like the two of you are on the same page, the better. They will feel more secure and they will be less likely to try to play you off of each other. If you are both involved in making decisions about the kids and the kids know that you are in agreement on the decisions, they will feel more connected to both of you and less confused about what’s going on and who’s in charge.
In other words, your children will still feel like they have two parents, and that will mean the world to them. So put aside your differences and give your kids what they really want and need to grow and thrive – both of you.
Co-Parenting and the Gynecologist
015 years
by marlene
in Co-Parenting
So today I had my annual visit to the gynecologist. I’m sorry if that’s too much information for some people, but come on, we’re all adults here, right? And we all have these uncomfortable exams each year, right? Men, you have your own version and I’m sure it’s pretty awkward, to say the least.
Well, I was thinking about it because it’s not something we enjoy doing, and it’s not something we get excited about – in fact, some people absolutely loathe it. They dread it, and they can’t wait until it’s over…but…they still do it. Why? Because they know it’s in their best interest. They know it’s important for their health.
You may not be crazy about your ex, and it might be really awkward and uncomfortable being near one another. But think about an event that might be really important to your child, like their birthday party, or a ball game, or a dance performance. And plan to BOTH be there…together.
Yes, it might be uncomfortable and you may not have much to say. But do it anyway, just like the annual exam. It’s in the best interest of your child and it’s great for their health and well-being. And the nice thing is, you don’t have to be half naked
Be a Role Model
0In all that you do, be mindful of what you are teaching your children. It may sound cliché, but your actions really do speak louder than words. Remember that your kids will pay attention to what you do, regardless of what you say. And if you tell them to be a certain way or do a certain thing, but you don’t adhere to those same rules, they will notice.
Children are very impressionable and pick up on all that is going on around them like little sponges. In fact, they are often far more aware of what is happening between you and your ex than you may realize. They learn how to interact with others and what normal behavior is by observing us in our everyday lives.
Pay attention to what you’re saying and doing on a regular basis, and how it may affect your children. As you are more conscious of your actions and your words, you can begin to change them if you choose to.
As you go through challenging situations, you can decide what you want to teach your children and what you want them to learn from you for the times when they are faced with challenges in their own lives.
This may seem like a very dark, tough time for you right now, but I invite you to think about the opportunities that you have to teach some amazing qualities and characteristics to your children. You can be an amazing role model for them.
Refrain from making negative comments about your former partner, even if they say negative things about you. Show compassion, understanding, and patience. All of these traits will be passed on to your children.
Communicate in a positive, effective manner to demonstrate your desire to work together and do what’s best for everyone involved. Your children will see that and they will learn to do the same in their own interactions as they go through life.
Take a stand for what you believe in and what matters most to you. You’ll be modeling that behavior for your kids. I know it’s hard, and I know it may seem right now that it doesn’t make much of a difference, but trust me, it does, and it will.
And when your children are adults, they will remember how you behaved and what you did or didn’t do that helped your family get through a trying time. They will appreciate and respect you and want to emulate you, as they will see what a difference it has made in their lives. And you can be proud of what you’ve done and have no regrets. It’s totally worth it.
So think about what you’re teaching and modeling before you think or act. Decide what you want your children to learn from you and how you want to be remembered. Be a role model to everyone around you. It’s time for divorce to be a more harmonious process and you can lead the way.