Parents Collaborating = Children Thriving
marlene
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Home page: http://www.DivorcedHappilyEverAfter.com
Posts by marlene
Divorce Without Some Preparation Can Be A Very Slippery Slope
015 years
by marlene
in Collaborative Divorce
Some friends invited my daughter and me to come skiing with them for the weekend and it’s been a lot of fun. Their daughter is the same age, so they’ve been in ski school and I was able to ski with the older kids (17 years old). I’m actually sitting in a ski lodge right now, with a great view of the slopes, and I’ve been watching the kids in ski school.
There are all ages and many different skill levels out there. Same story on the slopes. But everybody out there had to start with the basics. You’d think that would mean learning to stop (“snow plow”), then learning to turn, right? But actually, you have to learn some other things before you can even do that. You have to learn how to put your boots on and adjust them properly, then how to get your skis on without falling…and if you do fall, how to get yourself upright again with those things on. And you have to learn about safety. It’s a learning process, just like anything else we do for the first time.
Divorce is the same way. Like skiing, you want to get to the more comfortable, solid-on-your-feet-place right away so you can actually have some fun and not be so anxious all the time, right? But it just doesn’t work like that. You’re going to feel really awkward and unsure of yourself at first. And you’ve got to fall on your ass a few times to learn how to do it right. Even if other people are watching or telling you different ways to do it. It’s okay to be very picky about who you choose to learn from. You want someone you can trust, that feels right to you, that has proven they know how to do it in a way that keeps you safe and helps build your confidence.
You have to learn one skill at a time and keep building on them until you have a really good foundation to work with, where you know you can make it even if you’re a little shaky.
It’s important to do some initial preparation (learning about the equipment) before you start moving forward. I recommend giving some serious thought to a few key areas BEFORE you get divorced. In fact, the sooner the better. If you’re contemplating divorce or have made the decision, but haven’t actually begun the process yet, that’s a great time to do this. Start with these areas and certainly add others if they pertain to your situation and lifestyle: Finances (and property/assets), Legal, Communication, Child Custody and Care, Holidays and Special Events.
Think about how you want these things to be handled between the two of you and what you expect in these areas. Write it all down so you can keep adding to it (or revising it) as you go, and so you can refer back to it at any time. I know it’s often very difficult to talk comfortably, or even very effectively, with your partner at this time, but the more you can discuss, the better. You really want to minimize the surprises (like moguls or icy patches on the ski slope) as much as you can.
If you think the kids should be with you during the weekdays and major holidays, you don’t want to find out through a lawyer a few months later that your ex wants the kids during the weekdays and wants to take the kids out of town to visit relatives every Christmas. You may not be able to reach an agreement on these things up front, but at least you will know each other’s desires and intentions and maybe you can be thinking about ways to compromise and come up with an arrangement you can both live with. Maybe the kids are with one parent Mondays and Tuesdays and the other parent Wednesdays and Thursdays. Or with one parent one week, and the other parent the next week. And maybe you alternate who the kids are with each Christmas.
Most scenarios are not going to be all or nothing. It’s time to look at it from both sides and, very importantly, from the kids’ perspective. You may not want your kids gone on Christmas (understandably), but you may also know that your kids absolutely love visiting those relatives they’ve been seeing all these years during the holidays. So try to come up with ways to give each person at least a little of what they want most and try not to take away too many things that have become traditions or favorites in your family.
This preparation work will not only help you to know what to expect, but it will allow you to get much more clear on what really matters to you and on all the ways this is going to affect your life. Without any preparation, the divorce process can be a very slippery slope. You want to go down either on your feet, or on your butt, but not tumbling head over heels, totally out of control. And please remember, having some spills is part of the learning process. Just dust yourself off and try again, remembering what you just learned from that fall.
Being Cold Sucks – Add Some Warmth to Your Relationship with Your Ex
115 years
by marlene
in Dealing Wtih Your Ex
Brrrr….all this cold weather got me thinking about how cold we can be to each other sometimes and how that feels. It’s very much like how we feel when the temperature drops outside. Think about it for a minute. How do you react physically when you’re cold? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you feel very closed off and rigid, no part of you is relaxed, and all you can think about is getting out of this uncomfortable place. You want it to go away. 
Now think about your interactions with your ex or soon-to-be-ex partner. When you go through a divorce, it creates a lot of emotions, many of them very negative. You may have been hurt badly or feel that the other person is not being fair, or even cordial. You may be very cold toward one another.
And how does that feel? You probably have the same reaction you have when you step outside your front door and that freezing cold air hits you, right? You cross your arms, you tighten up, you close yourself off, and you want to get away. There’s no way you can have a productive conversation like this, and you’re only adding to the distance and negativity between you.
So next time you feel the temperature drop when you encounter your ex, try to react differently and see what happens. Focus on keeping your body relaxed, take a deep breath, and imagine how warm and comfortable you feel when you’re talking with a close friend…then look them in the eye and answer with the most natural tone you can muster. If you’re really up to the task, try a smile. This may feel ridiculously awkward and you may still feel very tense inside, but try to keep the outside relaxed. You might be surprised by what happens.
They’ll notice a difference. It’s like when you’re cold and you go by a vent blowing warm air, and you have that moment of “aaaah”. They’ll feel it. And even if they don’t react to it in an obvious way, you will know that you just chipped away at some of the ice that’s formed between you, and you may begin to start melting away some of those negative feelings you’ve been holding onto that have made you a colder person.
Invite the shift within yourself. Focus on warmth and opening up. You can always practice with people you don’t know so you can feel more comfortable doing it. Try it out on the cashier at the grocery store, or a neighbor you rarely speak to, or anyone else you come in contact with in your usual activities. See how infectious the warmth and openness is. People gravitate to it, just like they gather around a fire.
Have fun with it – treat it like an experiment and just see what happens. I’d love to hear how this goes for you.
Stay warm!!
I’m Done With Resolutions – What About You?
315 years
by marlene
in Miscellaneous
Take a careful look at 2009, then let it go...
For most people, resolutions don’t last very long.
Why is that? I think it’s because they’re usually based on something negative. Either we’re trying to quit doing something that’s hard to quit (smoking, eating unhealthy foods, drinking, etc), or we’re trying to start doing something because we’re unhappy with our current weight, lifestyle, relationship, job, etc. We tend to think that if we’re unhappy with something, especially ourselves, that we can just decide to do things differently (“better”) and then life will be great, right? Wrong. The focus is too much on what’s not working and how much better things will be once we achieve some goal that requires drastic change. And with resolutions, we typically word them in the future tense, right? Like, I’m going to go to the gym at least three days a week, or I’m going to stop eating junk food, or I’m going to work fewer hours so I can spend more time with my kids, and so on. It’s like we’re playing mind games with ourselves. “I’m going to…” sends the message that at some point it is going to happen, so it kind of lets us off the hook for NOW.
So my only resolution is not to do any resolutions. I want a more holistic approach because I want all aspects of my life to be aligned and I want to know what my ultimate overall life goal is, instead of focusing on one particular smaller goal. So I’m going to tell you what I do and I invite you to try it out. Grab a pen and some paper. First of all, take a look back at 2009. If you’re recently separated or divorced, 2009 might look pretty crappy. That’s okay. There may have been a lot of challenges and heartache, so please don’t judge yourself. Look at the past year from a detached perspective, with curiosity and compassion. Make sure to recognize and give yourself credit for any accomplishments. Lastly, make a list of things you are grateful for in 2009. If this is difficult for you, think simple. Even pain can be something we give thanks for, since it usually makes us aware of problems in our lives or shows us what we truly want. When you’re done with 2009, close your eyes, take some deep cleansing breaths, and let it go. It’s over. It’s all in the past. Just relax and let it go. Imagine it all just washing away and leaving behind a clean slate where new stories and memories can be created.
Now fast forward. Pretend it’s December 31, 2010. Write down the main areas of life that you care about. For example, Family, Career, Relationships, Health, Spirituality, Finances, etc. Look back over the year (2010) and write down what you see in each of the areas you’ve chosen. This is not just what you expect in 2010, but what you desire in 2010, what feels good to you. You can get as detailed as you want here. And this is very important – write it in the present tense, as if it has already happened. Remember, it’s Dec 31, 2010 and you’re looking at your where you are “now”. Also, make sure to include what you are thankful for in 2010. When you’re done writing, read it out loud and see how it feels. If it doesn’t make you smile and doesn’t get you a little excited, you might need to do a little rework. When you’re satisfied, store this in a safe place where you can refer to it regularly or post it where you’ll see it often. And when Decemeber 31st rolls around again, you can compare what you wrote to your reality – it will be fascinating.
So here’s to a wonderful new year, designed specifically by you, for you. Doesn’t that feel better than a resolution? And the results will be far better too!!
